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This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Resident Evil: Revelations.

Transcript Edit

Oh, what fishy odors we must endure as we labor between the thighs of fate. For weeks I reviewed crap XBLA games and fucking Sonic the Hedgehog waiting for some actual releases to come out, and when they do it's the latest SoulCalibur roster update of interest only to its niche audience and Final Fantasy XIII-2; another installment of the video gaming equivalent of a chorus line of parrots on an electrified wire being slowly lowered into a carnivorous miniskirt.

Mercifully, though, there was also Resident Evil: Revelations on 3DS, not to be confused with Assassin's Creed: ___, Tomb Raider: The Last ___ or the Book of ___. I get the feeling whatever agency every sequel subtitle writer on Earth seems to use is playing a bit fast and loose with the whole "revelations" concept. You'd think from this title that we're going to learn some dark secret that's been underlying the entire Resident Evil series, like that Chris Redfield isn't a natural brunette or something. But no, it's a whole new story, so the title's saying "Here are some revelations about some people and places you've never met or been to yet." Oh, well excuse me while I polish the edge of my seat.

When I say it's a whole new story, I mean it's a whole new Resident Evil story, meaning the same story in a different place: two or more arms specialists descend into a seemingly abandoned location with localized power generation and lots of tight corridors (in this case a cruise liner;) kill a whole bunch of humans whose hideous mutations did nothing to impede their impeccable sense of timing; there'll be a hidden laboratory in the basement somewhere; and someone you thought was good will turn out to be bad.

Unusually, though, that last aspect is stretched out into this 24-esque intrigue plot where we keep cutting away from the main story on the ship to play as other characters in other locations in flashbacks. And as is fairly typical of Resident Evil, the plot manages to be both ridiculously convoluted and childishly predictable, because the bloke that turns out to be behind it all can be isolated as the guy who delivers every line like he's criticizing the blowjobs of a nun whose orphanage he's already decided to foreclose on regardless.

Still, at least the series has gotten past the fucking Umbrella Corporation - I think "Fucking Umbrella Corporation" is how they were officially listed on the Dow Jones - whose resurrections were stretching credibility somewhat. But the Resident Evil universe proves to have itself no shortage of twats who just cannot be convinced that unleashing barely controllable slime monsters is not a cheaper, risk-free alternative to just, say, shooting people in the face.

And speaking of twats, I thought Resident Evil characters officially reached their lowest point when they brought us squeaky-voiced midget Napoleon, but they successfully carve out a third sub-basement in the barrel with one of the sidekick characters in this game; a military sniper who wears sexy, high-fashioned outfits on assignment. When I first saw her wet weather gear, I had to run my in-game scanning device over her to make sure she hadn't contracted some kind of infection from air kissing Jean Paul Gaultier. It's some kind of purple-striped wetsuit with one leg cut off, a skintight balaclava, and an Elizabethan collar. We have a uniform, lady, because in these games usual policy is to shoot the things that look retarded.

It might sound like I've already unzipped and geared up to stream salty, golden piss over RE: Revelations 's eyeballs, but I'm actually not that down on it. Capcom games are fairly reliably retardedly written, but I find that tends to give them an endearing quality, like Winnie the Pooh. While I'm not about to lovingly brush Rerevelations hair out of it's eyes and start moistening my lips, either, I've definitely played worse Resident Evils.

It feels like an early Resident Evil game setup with more Resident Evil 4 -y controls. So you get the tight, claustrophobic environment with lots of exploration and backtracking, but you can also tell what you're fucking aiming at. I like the monster design; humans crossed with deep sea wildlife, which is smart because with a lot of those things you don't even need to add glowy eyes to scare the piss right up someone's throat and out their nose. And wonderfully, this game has the first case I've found the stupid 3D gimmick actually interfering with gameplay: when you're aiming with the sniper rifle, with the 3D on, you can't focus your crosshairs on the target. Ha! Eat it, James Cameron. Guess you'll have to start working on hologram vision after all.

It's not all sunshine and validation for your favorite entertainment industry grudges. I had a problem with a couple of core mechanics, such as the aforementioned scanning thing. It's mainly just for finding shy, introverted, hidden health and ammo as well as the brazen, slutty health and ammo that's just sitting out in the open with their bikini tops off. So you have to keep digging it out to scan every new room you come across. And you can scan enemies, but all you get from that is the odd green herb. If this were Metroid Prime, you'd get the name of the monster [Fish McTarse,] a hint on how to kill it [Blast His Arse,] and its favorite song from David Bowie's  Hunky Dory album [Life On Mars.] And I feel Rerevelations missed the opportunity to do something similar.

It may have ruined the mystery and atmosphere of the survival horror thing, but I think there's plenty in the game that already does that. It'd be easier to feel trapped, lost, and alone in the hostile environment if the game didn't constantly cut to other scenes in flashbacks where you play as other characters being totally on top of things. When the game starts, Chris Redfield is missing, because someone has to be missing when a Resident Evil game starts and he drew the short straw again, but barely half an hour later you play as Chris Redfield somewhere else being totally fine! Oh. Can we. . .go home, then?

I also have a problem with the dodge mechanic, in that how it's supposed to work is vague at best. Sometimes my character'd nimbly sidestep a blow and sometimes their ass would get played like the bongos. I checked the manual, which said to "use the analog stick as you're about to be hit." "Use it," eh? Thanks. Have you guys considered writing bomb defusal manuals? "Step one: use your hands. Step two: Also maybe some pliers." And annoyingly, dodging isn't even essential until you get to the final boss, whereupon, if you haven't quite mastered the technique, then get ready to enjoy your new career as floor polish.

But the bottom line on Rererererevrevelations is that it's basically inoffensive. If you can get past the poorly explained dodge mechanic, the pointless scanning mechanic, the indecisive tone, the endemic backtracking and shitty characters. . .all right, maybe it's a bit offensive. But at the very least it's mostly functional, passes the time, and, more importantly, Chris Redfield seems to have stopped hiring former balloon salesmen as his personal trainer.

AddendaEdit

  • And I beheld a great beast and his name was: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw
  • Honestly just fling a deep sea angler fish at me as I come in the door and you'll never get the stain out of the carpet
  • What kind of monster hunter is named 'Chris' anyway

Screenshots Edit

Resident Evil Revelations 1

24-esque

Resident Evil Revelations 4

Ha

Resident Evil Revelations 5

It may have ruined the mystery and atmosphere of the survival horror thing

External LinksEdit

Episodes
2007 - 2010
2007
Q3 The Darkness Demo · Fable: The Lost Chapters · Zero Punctuation (Episode) · Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff · Psychonauts · Console Rundown · BioShock · Tomb Raider: Anniversary · Manhunt · Peggle
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2008
Q1 Super Mario Galaxy · Silent Hill: Origins · Crysis · The Witcher · Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles · Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare · SimCity Societies · Yahtzee Goes to GDC · Uncharted: Drake's Fortune · Devil May Cry 4 · Burnout: Paradise · Turok · Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
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2009
Q1 Awards for 2008 · Tomb Raider: Underworld · Far Cry 2 · Gears of War 2 · LittleBigPlanet · Thief: The Dark Project · Skate 2 · F.E.A.R. 2 · Spider-Man: Web of Shadows · The House of the Dead: Overkill · 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand · Resident Evil 5
Q2 X-Blades/Halo Wars · Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars · MadWorld · Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X · Siren: Blood Curse · The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena · Valkyria Chronicles · Velvet Assassin · Duke Nukem Forever · Bionic Commando · InFamous · The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre · Prototype
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Q4 Scribblenauts · Wet · Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story · Brutal Legend · Washington D.C. · Uncharted 2: Among Thieves · Dragon Age: Origins · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 · Assassin's Creed 2 · Left 4 Dead 2 & New Super Mario Bros. Wii · Demon's Souls · Holiday 2009 · The Saboteur
2010
Q1 Awards for 2009 · Torchlight · Darksiders · Bayonetta · Dark Void · Borderlands · Mass Effect 2 · Dante's Inferno · BioShock 2 · Aliens vs Predator · Heavy Rain · Battlefield: Bad Company 2 · Final Fantasy XIII
Q2 April Fools 2010 · God of War III · Red Steel 2 · Just Cause 2 · Silent Hill: Shattered Memories · Splinter Cell: Conviction · Nier · Dead to Rights: Retribution · Monster Hunter Tri · Alan Wake · Red Dead Redemption · Alpha Protocol · Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands · E3 2010
Q3 No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle · Super Mario Galaxy 2 · Singularity · Crackdown 2 · DeathSpank & Limbo · Shadow of the Colossus · Split Second: Velocity · Transformers: War for Cybertron · Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days · Mafia II · Metroid: Other M · Video Game Voters Network · Amnesia: The Dark Descent
Q4 Halo: Reach · Dead Rising 2 · Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow · Enslaved: Odyssey to the West · Fallout: New Vegas · Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II · Call of Duty: Black Ops · IPhone Games · Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood · Splatterhouse · Epic Mickey · Holiday 2010
2011 - 2014
2011
Q1 Top 5 of 2010 · World of Warcraft: Cataclysm · Fable III · Minecraft · A Shadow's Tale · Dead Space 2 · DC Universe Online · MindJack · Two Worlds II · Bulletstorm · Killzone 3 · Kirby's Epic Yarn · Dragon Age II
Q2 Pokémon White · Yakuza 4 · Crysis 2 · Nintendo 3DS · Portal 2 · Castlevania: Symphony of the Night · Mortal Kombat · Brink · L.A. Noire · The Witcher 2 · Hunted: The Demon's Forge · Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time) · InFamous 2
Q3 Alice: Madness Returns · Shadows of the Damned · F.E.A.R. 3 · The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D · Call of Juarez: The Cartel · Bastion and From Dust · Catherine · Red Faction: Armageddon · Deus Ex · Deus Ex: Human Revolution · Driver: San Francisco · Dead Island · Resistance 3
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2012
Q1 Serious Sam 3: BFE · Top 5 of 2011 · Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins · Sonic Generations · Star Wars: The Old Republic · Amy · Resident Evil: Revelations · Darkness 2 · Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning · NeverDead · Syndicate · Mass Effect 3 · Twisted Metal
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Q3 Quantum Conundrum · Spec Ops: The Line · Walking Dead · Inversion · The Amazing Spider-Man · Half-Life · Wreckateer and Deadlight · Steam Roundup · Sleeping Dogs · Darksiders 2 · DayZ · Guild Wars 2
Q4 Borderlands 2 · FIFA 13 · Resident Evil 6 · Dishonored · XCOM: Enemy Unknown · Medal of Honor: Warfighter & Doom 3: BFG Edition · Assassin's Creed 3 · Halo 4 · Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 · Hitman: Absolution · Far Cry 3 · ZombiU
2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
Q2 The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct · BioShock Infinite · Lego City Undercover · Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon · Injustice: Gods Among Us · Star Trek · Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon · System Shock 2 · Metro: Last Light · Next Gen Buyer's Guide · Fuse · Remember Me · E3 2013
Q3 The Last of Us · Deadpool · Animal Crossing: New Leaf · Ride to Hell: Retribution · Dark · Mario & Luigi: Dream Team · Rise of the Triad · Papers, Please & Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons · Pikmin 3 · The Bureau: XCOM Declassified · Saints Row 4 · Killer is Dead · Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
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2014
Q1 Top 5 of 2013 · Knack · Killzone: Shadow Fall · Survival Special · Broken Age · Might & Magic X: Legacy · The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds · Dark Souls · Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII · Strider · Thief · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 · Dark Souls II
Q2 Titanfall · InFamous: Second Son · Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes · The Elder Scrolls Online · South Park: The Stick of Truth · FTL: Faster Than Light · Child of Day-Light · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure · Wolfenstein: The New Order · WATCH DOGS · E3 2014 · Murdered: Soul Suspect
Q3 Tomodachi Life · Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts: The Great War · Shovel Knight · EarthBound · Transistor · E.T. · Firefall · Sacred 3 · Risen 3: Titan Lords · Daikatana · Lichdom: Battlemage · The Sims 4 · Destiny
Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
2015 - 2017
2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
Q2 Battlefield: Hardline · Bloodborne · Half-Life 2 Update · Axiom Verge & Stealth Inc 2 · Mortal Kombat X · Grand Theft Auto Online · Broken Age: Act 2 · Wolfenstein: The Old Blood · Cyberpunk Double · The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt · Splatoon · Hatred · E3 2015
Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
Q4 Super Mario Maker · SOMA · Rock Band 4 · Assassin's Creed Syndicate · Halo 5: Guardians · Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 · Rise of the Tomb Raider · Fallout 4 · Star Wars: Battlefront · Just Cause 3 · Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water
2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
Q4 Capcom Five · Clustertruck & Lichtspeer · Paper Mario: Color Splash · Mafia III · Gears of War 4 · PlayStation VR · Battlefield 1 · Titanfall 2 vs Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare · Dishonored 2 · WATCH DOGS 2 · Final Fantasy XV · The Last Guardian
2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5

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