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This week, Zero Punctuation reviews one shooter and one, well you'll see.

TranscriptEdit

So this week I've been playing a bit of Medal of Honor: Warfighter! Pahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Sometimes I do a thing where I incrementally alter a game's name each time I say it until it's something stupid, but I'm feeling pretty fucking undercut here. You know, Warfighter, 'cos he just fights wars all over the place, and then he gets his tax return done by his friend Numbers Accountant. I don't know anyone who didn't immediately laugh at this fucking name so why didn't anyone involved in its development put their hand up, or is that a flogging offense in the EA slave pits?

Maybe someone was testing to see if his colleague was paying attention and he got out of hand. "Let's make another fucking realistic modern war shooter." "Yes, sounds great!" "Um, also I think we should call it Warfighter." "Yes, sounds great!" *pause* "And then I thought maybe I can push an entire birthday cake up your cockhole." "Yes, sounds great, let's do lunch, I have a nosebleed!" Or maybe it's targeted marketing. They knew the title would be laughed out of the room by all but those with less awareness than a bowl of fried tripe and happily those are the only people who could enjoy the fucking game!

Anyway, Warfighter. Pahahahahaha- sorry, serious now. It's a very serious game where lots of people die. Well, lots of foreigners die. I thought we were over the whole Modern Warfare thing. It had its fun for a while, systematically abusing the word "realistic" but then Spec Ops: The Line came along and showed us what a bunch of violent paranoid glory-boy twats the whole genre was making us all look like. You were supposed to slink off in shame! Nanny caught you with your hand in the cookie jar, you don't just continue eating the cookies.

But no, Warfighter's down with everything that makes modern shooters fucking despicable. The story just kept dumping me one location after the other and told me to shoot all the brown people talking foreign. I didn't know who they were or why they deserved it, although I did know they were vastly outmatched technologically. At one point, you take control of a remote-controlled robot that goes behind enemy lines and fucking mows people down until someone can tip it over and bash its camera in with a rock, and that just fucking says it all, doesn't it? We've got kill-droids, they've got rocks. We are Imperial Stormtroopers massacring the fucking Ewoks!

I could maybe stomach the ethics if it was a fun game, but like all modern shooters, having to be played by a self-aware human being was classified by the developers as a bug. "Shoot that bloke," said my colleague, but I hadn't spotted the bloke he was talking about, so he said "Too slow!" and did it himself. A turret guy I've been carefully flanking for a few moments was shot by an NPC just as I was lining up the sights. Three enemy buildings full of snipers were bombed to dust by missiles launched by what I think was the vengeful finger of God. "Why the fuck am I even here?" I thought as I zoned out on the battlefield again, all the gunfire and shouting blurring together and settling on me like a big head-mounted pancake. "This game has made it perfectly clear it doesn't want me around; it wants the kind of person who doesn't think Warfighter is a stupid title. Incidentally, pahahahahahahahahahaha, Warfighter!"

So I stopped. An hour and a half in, I stopped. I put down the controller and turned it off. There are only so many neurons I'm prepared to squander. Then I played the Doom 3: BFG Edition instead, which also came out last week, a much more fulfilling shooter experience even while BFG in this case appears to stand for Begging For Greenbacks.

So id is apparently working on Doom 4 'cos they had their fun with Rage, but now their owners would rather they made a big sack of money for them all to go windsurfing with, but first they need to make sure that people actually remember what Doom is, besides the sound a slightly stupid bass drum makes. Hence a thing that rather amusingly terms itself a "remastering" which in this sense means "you can hold a flashlight with another weapon now", but even that smacks of revisionist history to me! All right, it was kind of weird how the space marine never thought to use duct tape or just hold the flashlight between his massive pectoral muscles, but it was part of the game! There are levels that I'm pretty sure were designed around the dodgy lighting and the one thing that every one remembers of Doom 3 is that it was darker than a pontefract cake lodged in Barry White's armpit.

Every other slightly dodgy design choice is preserved for posterity in the Barry's Funky Gammonflaps Edition, like the frankly bizarre ragdoll physics that turns corpses into somersaulting paper dirigibles, or the shitty sound design where your assault rifle sounds like a playing card clipped to a bicycle wheel and the handgun sounds like a robot vagina queefing transmission fluid, and obnoxious load times long enough to let me think of really horrible analogies like that one.

You know, when Doom 3 first came out, I thought less of it because it distanced itself from the original Doom's colourful balls-on-the-tea-trolley action with its grey palette, narrow corridors, and endless audio logs from boring people who got lost on the way to the System Shock 2 auditions. But how naive my younger self seems now that I thought Doom 3 constitutes a bad direction for shooters, now that I'm playing Doom 3 to cleanse my fucking palate after playing Warfighter (Pahahaha!), because holy shit, suddenly I have firm context!

I'm a lone space marine being attacked by demons from Hell and now I get to kill the demons 'cos demons are dicks, and I know they're dicks because they keep jumping out of cupboards and trying to relocate my balls to my armpits! It's not me and a huge army invading Hell half-heartedly shooting at silhouettes fifty yards away that may or may not be a demon, until some cosmic unseen entity decrees that I may proceed and shoot up the next location. Instead I'm in a corridor and there's a monster in the way and I can proceed once there isn't a monster in the way. You know what really jumped out at me? No objective markers. So if there's a locked door, I have to organically search the nearby environment for the key with no direction to go on. And you know what that took away from the experience? NOTHING!

I suppose Warfighter (Pahahaha!) exasperates me because after I declared Battlefield 3 and Modern Warfare as the twin bollocks lords of Shit Mountain, there were dissenting voices dismissing my opinion on the basis that I "just don't like shooters". Oh, you ignorant little bastards. Stick your balls up your arse and clench yourself castrated! I was into shooters while you were sucking on Wiimotes, you cover-loving, health-regenerating, murderer come-latelies! You don't even know what a shooter is! A shooter is fast-paced, circle-strafing, wits about you, rocket-jumping, last grasp of health, toodly fuckpies, organic excitement in a fancy hat! It is not riding a conveyor belt to the next chest-high wall and resting your head on it until you get lulled into a lovely little sleep by the other people's gunfire.

Perhaps this calls for greater clarity of language. Doom 3 and Painkiller and Resistance 3 will be called shooters and we'll come up with new names for Modern Warfare-style games, like "spunkgargleweewee". I'm perfectly fine with people telling me I just don't like spunkgargleweewee and Warfighter is bad even for spunkgargleweewee so gargle something else!

AddendaEdit

Fuck swearer: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw

And yes I know Warfighter is the name of a real life military communications system but that is somehow even more laughable

It's called a Cacodemon because it makes me cack myself


ScreenshotsEdit

Zero Punctuation - 271 - Medal of Honour Warfighter & Doom 3 BFG Edition 1

Pahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Zero Punctuation - 271 - Medal of Honour Warfighter & Doom 3 BFG Edition 2

I put down the controller and turned it off.

Zero Punctuation - 271 - Medal of Honour Warfighter & Doom 3 BFG Edition 3

I'm in a corridor and there's a monster in the way and I can proceed once there isn't a monster in the way.

Episodes
2007 - 2010
2007
Q3 The Darkness Demo · Fable: The Lost Chapters · Zero Punctuation (Episode) · Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff · Psychonauts · Console Rundown · BioShock · Tomb Raider: Anniversary · Manhunt · Peggle
Q4 Halo 3 · Tabula Rasa · The Orange Box · Super Paper Mario · Medal of Honor: Airborne · The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass · Clive Barker's Jericho · F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate · Assassin's Creed · Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock · Mass Effect
2008
Q1 Super Mario Galaxy · Silent Hill: Origins · Crysis · The Witcher · Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles · Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare · SimCity Societies · Yahtzee Goes to GDC · Uncharted: Drake's Fortune · Devil May Cry 4 · Burnout: Paradise · Turok · Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
Q2 Army of Two · No More Heroes · Condemned 2: Bloodshot · Super Smash Bros. Brawl · God of War: Chains of Olympus · Mailbag Showdown · Grand Theft Auto IV · Painkiller · The World Ends With You · The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion · Haze · Metal Gear Solid 4
Q3 Webcomics · Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures · Alone in the Dark · Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures · The E3 Trailer Park · Ninja Gaiden II · Prince of Persia Retrospective · Soulcalibur IV · Braid · EVE Online · Too Human · Spore · XBLA Double Bill
Q4 Mercenaries 2: World in Flames · Star Wars: The Force Unleashed · S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky · Silent Hill: Homecoming · Saints Row 2 · Dead Space · Fable II · Fallout 3 · Guitar Hero: World Tour · Mirror's Edge · Left 4 Dead · Sonic Unleashed · The Year in Review - 2008 · Prince of Persia
2009
Q1 Awards for 2008 · Tomb Raider: Underworld · Far Cry 2 · Gears of War 2 · LittleBigPlanet · Thief: The Dark Project · Skate 2 · F.E.A.R. 2 · Spider-Man: Web of Shadows · The House of the Dead: Overkill · 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand · Resident Evil 5
Q2 X-Blades/Halo Wars · Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars · MadWorld · Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X · Siren: Blood Curse · The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena · Valkyria Chronicles · Velvet Assassin · Duke Nukem Forever · Bionic Commando · InFamous · The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre · Prototype
Q3 The Sims 3 · Ghostbusters: The Video Game · Overlord 2 · Red Faction Guerrilla · Wii Sports Resort · Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood · The Conduit · Silent Hill 2 · 2.5-D Hoedown · Tales of Monkey Island · Wolfenstein · Batman: Arkham Asylum · Beatles Rock Band & Guitar Hero 5 · Darkest of Days
Q4 Scribblenauts · Wet · Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story · Brutal Legend · Washington D.C. · Uncharted 2: Among Thieves · Dragon Age: Origins · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 · Assassin's Creed 2 · Left 4 Dead 2 & New Super Mario Bros. Wii · Demon's Souls · Holiday 2009 · The Saboteur
2010
Q1 Awards for 2009 · Torchlight · Darksiders · Bayonetta · Dark Void · Borderlands · Mass Effect 2 · Dante's Inferno · BioShock 2 · Aliens vs Predator · Heavy Rain · Battlefield: Bad Company 2 · Final Fantasy XIII
Q2 April Fools 2010 · God of War III · Red Steel 2 · Just Cause 2 · Silent Hill: Shattered Memories · Splinter Cell: Conviction · Nier · Dead to Rights: Retribution · Monster Hunter Tri · Alan Wake · Red Dead Redemption · Alpha Protocol · Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands · E3 2010
Q3 No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle · Super Mario Galaxy 2 · Singularity · Crackdown 2 · DeathSpank & Limbo · Shadow of the Colossus · Split Second: Velocity · Transformers: War for Cybertron · Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days · Mafia II · Metroid: Other M · Video Game Voters Network · Amnesia: The Dark Descent
Q4 Halo: Reach · Dead Rising 2 · Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow · Enslaved: Odyssey to the West · Fallout: New Vegas · Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II · Call of Duty: Black Ops · IPhone Games · Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood · Splatterhouse · Epic Mickey · Holiday 2010
2011 - 2014
2011
Q1 Top 5 of 2010 · World of Warcraft: Cataclysm · Fable III · Minecraft · A Shadow's Tale · Dead Space 2 · DC Universe Online · MindJack · Two Worlds II · Bulletstorm · Killzone 3 · Kirby's Epic Yarn · Dragon Age II
Q2 Pokémon White · Yakuza 4 · Crysis 2 · Nintendo 3DS · Portal 2 · Castlevania: Symphony of the Night · Mortal Kombat · Brink · L.A. Noire · The Witcher 2 · Hunted: The Demon's Forge · Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time) · InFamous 2
Q3 Alice: Madness Returns · Shadows of the Damned · F.E.A.R. 3 · The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D · Call of Juarez: The Cartel · Bastion and From Dust · Catherine · Red Faction: Armageddon · Deus Ex · Deus Ex: Human Revolution · Driver: San Francisco · Dead Island · Resistance 3
Q4 Gears of War 3 · Hard Reset · Rage · Kinect · Batman: Arkham City · Battlefield 3 · Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 · The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim · Saints Row: The Third · Assassin's Creed: Revelations · The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
2012
Q1 Serious Sam 3: BFE · Top 5 of 2011 · Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins · Sonic Generations · Star Wars: The Old Republic · Amy · Resident Evil: Revelations · Darkness 2 · Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning · NeverDead · Syndicate · Mass Effect 3 · Twisted Metal
Q2 Yakuza: Dead Souls · Ninja Gaiden 3 · Silent Hill: Downpour · Kid Icarus: Uprising · Fez and I Am Alive · Prototype 2 · Risen 2: Dark Waters · Sniper Elite V2 · Diablo 3 · Max Payne 3 · Dragon's Dogma · E3 2012 · Lollipop Chainsaw
Q3 Quantum Conundrum · Spec Ops: The Line · Walking Dead · Inversion · The Amazing Spider-Man · Half-Life · Wreckateer and Deadlight · Steam Roundup · Sleeping Dogs · Darksiders 2 · DayZ · Guild Wars 2
Q4 Borderlands 2 · FIFA 13 · Resident Evil 6 · Dishonored · XCOM: Enemy Unknown · Medal of Honor: Warfighter & Doom 3: BFG Edition · Assassin's Creed 3 · Halo 4 · Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 · Hitman: Absolution · Far Cry 3 · ZombiU
2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
Q2 The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct · BioShock Infinite · Lego City Undercover · Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon · Injustice: Gods Among Us · Star Trek · Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon · System Shock 2 · Metro: Last Light · Next Gen Buyer's Guide · Fuse · Remember Me · E3 2013
Q3 The Last of Us · Deadpool · Animal Crossing: New Leaf · Ride to Hell: Retribution · Dark · Mario & Luigi: Dream Team · Rise of the Triad · Papers, Please & Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons · Pikmin 3 · The Bureau: XCOM Declassified · Saints Row 4 · Killer is Dead · Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
Q4 Grand Theft Auto V · Lost Planet 3 · Beyond: Two Souls · The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD · Batman: Arkham Origins · Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag · Call of Duty: Ghosts · Exclusives Showdown · Ryse: Son of Rome · Dead Rising 3 · Super Mario 3D World
2014
Q1 Top 5 of 2013 · Knack · Killzone: Shadow Fall · Survival Special · Broken Age · Might & Magic X: Legacy · The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds · Dark Souls · Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII · Strider · Thief · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 · Dark Souls II
Q2 Titanfall · InFamous: Second Son · Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes · The Elder Scrolls Online · South Park: The Stick of Truth · FTL: Faster Than Light · Child of Day-Light · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure · Wolfenstein: The New Order · WATCH DOGS · E3 2014 · Murdered: Soul Suspect
Q3 Tomodachi Life · Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts: The Great War · Shovel Knight · EarthBound · Transistor · E.T. · Firefall · Sacred 3 · Risen 3: Titan Lords · Daikatana · Lichdom: Battlemage · The Sims 4 · Destiny
Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
2015 - 2017
2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
Q2 Battlefield: Hardline · Bloodborne · Half-Life 2 Update · Axiom Verge & Stealth Inc 2 · Mortal Kombat X · Grand Theft Auto Online · Broken Age: Act 2 · Wolfenstein: The Old Blood · Cyberpunk Double · The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt · Splatoon · Hatred · E3 2015
Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
Q4 Super Mario Maker · SOMA · Rock Band 4 · Assassin's Creed Syndicate · Halo 5: Guardians · Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 · Rise of the Tomb Raider · Fallout 4 · Star Wars: Battlefront · Just Cause 3 · Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water
2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
Q4 Capcom Five · Clustertruck & Lichtspeer · Paper Mario: Color Splash · Mafia III · Gears of War 4 · PlayStation VR · Battlefield 1 · Titanfall 2 vs Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare · Dishonored 2 · WATCH DOGS 2 · Final Fantasy XV · The Last Guardian
2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5 · Remastered Editions · Outlast 2 · Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3 · Prey · Wilson's Heart · The Surge · Injustice 2 · Vanquish · E3 2017 · Strafe
Q3 Get Even · Hollow Knight / Dead Cells · Fifth Console Generation · The End is Nigh, and Yonder: Cloud Catcher Chronicles · Pyre · Splatoon 2 · Hellblade · Agents of Mayhem · Sonic Mania · Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle · Destiny 2 · Metroid: Samus Returns
Q4 Knack 2 and SteamWorld Dig 2 · Cuphead · Hob and A Hat in Time · Middle-earth: Shadow of War · The Evil Within 2 · Super Mario Odyssey · Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus · Assassin's Creed Origins · Sonic Forces · Star Wars Battlefront II

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