Fandom

Zero Punctuation Wiki

Kid Icarus: Uprising

518pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Talk0 Share

Kid Icarus plays it fast and loose with Greek mythology.

Transcript Edit

Did you know that I'm automatically biased against Nintendo? I didn't, but I'm sure you'll be able to scroll down to the comments right now and find unassailable arguments to that effect. My grudge basically started back in the 2000s when they brought out the GameCube. "Oh," said I, "I suppose you expect me to be impressed, do you, by your genuinely enjoyable games and one of the best-designed controllers of the generation? How dare you put on such airs? Out the window with your ghastly little box ottoman. What's this? The DS? With a well-implemented touch screen driving thoughtful game design? Where the fuck do you get off?! Window!"

In all seriousness, it's true that I'm petty and bitter about a lot of things. I'm the guy who went fifty miles out of his way to burn down Lee Drummond's house. But I honestly have nothing invested in pointing out Nintendo's recent failings. Unlike their entire fucking target audience, I wasn't raised on Nintendo, so I have no sense of wounded betrayal. Maybe if I express not having enjoyed a Nintendo product, it's because I didn't enjoy it rather than because I was seething with jealous, impotent rage at its undeniable splendor.

Okay then, now that's covered, here's Kid Icarus: Uprising, a shit game for twats.

The first thing one notices when starting Kid Icarus: Upskirting is that the menu interface seems remarkably similar to that of Smash Brothers Brawl, which makes sense when you think about it, because Smash Brothers Brawl is the only reason anyone still knows what Kid Icarus is. After the initial NES game, Nintendo let the property snooze for about twenty years with uncharacteristic restraint for a company that reimagines its old properties so much that the original imagining has long since faded light blue like a movie poster in an abandoned shop window NOT BIASED.

I suppose the situation has never been dire enough to justify dredging this far down the yawning black pit that used to be the barrel, but with a 3D gimmick continuing to impress about as well as an incontinent St. Bernard at a dry cat festival, Nintendo have to work that nostalgia dollar till its tits fall off. I'm not going to go on about the 3D aspect again, because the amount of times I've gone over my position there, my own tits aren't looking particularly secure, either, and anyway I kept the 3D turned off the whole way through. So even if Kid Icarus does justify that awful bollocks, I'd have never have found out, and I don't care.

What might throw up a red flag or two is that Kid Icarus comes with a peripheral. Not additional buttons or some kind of wing harness so you can control the game by flapping your elbows, but a collapsible stand on which to put the entire handheld. Which might seem strange, but rest assured it's provided for the entirely rational reason that the controls are absolute shit on cheesy biscuits. Move with analog stick, aim with stylus, and shoot with left shoulder button. Here's a practical experiment: try to hold a cat while simultaneously drawing on its back with a glitter pen and poking it in the eye with your other hand. There's no way to hold it up except by its throat, and you're trying to torment the smug little bastard, not strangle it. That's exactly the problem for which Nintendo apparently could come up with no better workaround - like, say, making the character shoot when the stylus is pressed to the touchscreen rather than with a separate button - than mandating the use of a stand. A stand that cripplingly undermines the very concept of a handheld. I like to play DS stretched out on the couch while someone fills my mouth with chocolate, not hunched over it at my desk like I'm making a fucking ship in a bottle.

The main character is named Pit, not Icarus. Perhaps actually naming the character after a mythological figure famously destroyed by their own hubris and overconfidence smacked a little of tempting fate, but anyway he's an angel living in a sort of cutsey-arse mythology world populated by anime versions of Greek deities before Kratos got his leatherin mitts on any of them. In broad terms, Pit's goal is to thwart the plans of the queen of the underworld, Medusa. I always thought Persephone was queen of the underworld, but I suppose one can't ask for too much adherence to classic mythology in a game where you shoot giant Groucho Marx glasses that blow bombs out of their nostrils.

Throughout the missions, Pit is in constant communication with his patron goddess, presumably over Skype. And it's good that they keep the characterization going, but the tone of their dialogue is rather overtly comedic, with "comedic" in the largest quotation marks Microsoft Word will permit. It's mostly self-referential humor, so the reference material was presumably one children's guide to Greek mythology and the complete box set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And I know there are some who like that kind of humor, but it made me want to shove my hand through the 3DS and repurpose it as a sandwich toaster specializing in eggy-in-a-basket.

Each mission consists of one rail shooter bit where you fly around shooting baddies and getting shot because you're distracted by the endless particle effects, the jolly pretty backgrounds, or Pit's delightful, chubby, boyish thighs and then a bit on the ground where you run around shooting baddies and fall down a whole bunch of chasms because Pit does a dodge dash if you move the analog stick any harder than blowing on it. And the recurring motto of Kid Icarus is: "Was that it?" 'Cause the levels are short and the bosses go down faster than your mum in Richard Branson's passenger seat.

Admittedly, you can tweak the difficulty to a rather insanely exact degree as part of the extraordinary amount of menu-based faffing around you have to do between missions like you're making your way through a car park full of abandoned shopping trolleys. Manage your gear, buy new weapons, combine weapons into new ones, collect trophies, view recently unlocked achievements, and there's one rather suspect feature in which you pay the goddess huge amounts of money to walk brisky towards you shaking her rack back and forth. Is Pit even old enough to be at a celestial titty bar?

Kid Icarus's tone is unashamedly retro, what with all the Groucho Marx shooting gallery business and constant references made to the NES one, which mainly comes across as faintly desperate. The visuals are too busy to engage, and any game that's actually physically painful to play isn't quite ready for prime time, is it? The complete mess of between-mission distractions serves mainly to bring any sense of flow to a crashing halt, to the point that it gets harder and harder to bring oneself to do more than one or two missions in a sitting, even disregarding the encroaching back pain that I'm sure you infuriating young people won't need to worry about until you turn thirty and all have spines like the last banana on the shelf. Same thing happened with Valkyria Chronicles - if a game keeps asking me if I'd like to continue the story, I'll find myself dwelling on the question more and more. Hmm, well, since you asked, game, I guess I could be getting on with some writing, and it's certainly true that I'm having less fun with you than I had at my last drill bit tasting.

AddendaEdit

He really is the pits: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw

Hades in this game sounds so much like Anthony Head's character from Bleak Expectations it's quite frightening

Go look up whether there were angels in Greek mythology or not


ScreenshotsEdit

Kid Icarus 1

It's true that I'm petty and bitter about a lot of things

Kid Icarus 2

The controls are absolute shit on cheesy biscuits

Kid Icarus 3

Icarus

External LinksEdit

Episodes
2007 - 2010
2007
Q3 The Darkness Demo · Fable: The Lost Chapters · Zero Punctuation (Episode) · Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff · Psychonauts · Console Rundown · BioShock · Tomb Raider: Anniversary · Manhunt · Peggle
Q4 Halo 3 · Tabula Rasa · The Orange Box · Super Paper Mario · Medal of Honor: Airborne · The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass · Clive Barker's Jericho · F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate · Assassin's Creed · Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock · Mass Effect
2008
Q1 Super Mario Galaxy · Silent Hill: Origins · Crysis · The Witcher · Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles · Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare · SimCity Societies · Yahtzee Goes to GDC · Uncharted: Drake's Fortune · Devil May Cry 4 · Burnout: Paradise · Turok · Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
Q2 Army of Two · No More Heroes · Condemned 2: Bloodshot · Super Smash Bros. Brawl · God of War: Chains of Olympus · Mailbag Showdown · Grand Theft Auto IV · Painkiller · The World Ends With You · The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion · Haze · Metal Gear Solid 4
Q3 Webcomics · Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures · Alone in the Dark · Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures · The E3 Trailer Park · Ninja Gaiden II · Prince of Persia Retrospective · Soulcalibur IV · Braid · EVE Online · Too Human · Spore · XBLA Double Bill
Q4 Mercenaries 2: World in Flames · Star Wars: The Force Unleashed · S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky · Silent Hill: Homecoming · Saints Row 2 · Dead Space · Fable II · Fallout 3 · Guitar Hero: World Tour · Mirror's Edge · Left 4 Dead · Sonic Unleashed · The Year in Review - 2008 · Prince of Persia
2009
Q1 Awards for 2008 · Tomb Raider: Underworld · Far Cry 2 · Gears of War 2 · LittleBigPlanet · Thief: The Dark Project · Skate 2 · F.E.A.R. 2 · Spider-Man: Web of Shadows · The House of the Dead: Overkill · 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand · Resident Evil 5
Q2 X-Blades/Halo Wars · Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars · MadWorld · Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X · Siren: Blood Curse · The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena · Valkyria Chronicles · Velvet Assassin · Duke Nukem Forever · Bionic Commando · InFamous · The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre · Prototype
Q3 The Sims 3 · Ghostbusters: The Video Game · Overlord 2 · Red Faction Guerrilla · Wii Sports Resort · Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood · The Conduit · Silent Hill 2 · 2.5-D Hoedown · Tales of Monkey Island · Wolfenstein · Batman: Arkham Asylum · Beatles Rock Band & Guitar Hero 5 · Darkest of Days
Q4 Scribblenauts · Wet · Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story · Brutal Legend · Washington D.C. · Uncharted 2: Among Thieves · Dragon Age: Origins · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 · Assassin's Creed 2 · Left 4 Dead 2 & New Super Mario Bros. Wii · Demon's Souls · Holiday 2009 · The Saboteur
2010
Q1 Awards for 2009 · Torchlight · Darksiders · Bayonetta · Dark Void · Borderlands · Mass Effect 2 · Dante's Inferno · BioShock 2 · Aliens vs Predator · Heavy Rain · Battlefield: Bad Company 2 · Final Fantasy XIII
Q2 April Fools 2010 · God of War III · Red Steel 2 · Just Cause 2 · Silent Hill: Shattered Memories · Splinter Cell: Conviction · Nier · Dead to Rights: Retribution · Monster Hunter Tri · Alan Wake · Red Dead Redemption · Alpha Protocol · Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands · E3 2010
Q3 No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle · Super Mario Galaxy 2 · Singularity · Crackdown 2 · DeathSpank & Limbo · Shadow of the Colossus · Split Second: Velocity · Transformers: War for Cybertron · Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days · Mafia II · Metroid: Other M · Video Game Voters Network · Amnesia: The Dark Descent
Q4 Halo: Reach · Dead Rising 2 · Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow · Enslaved: Odyssey to the West · Fallout: New Vegas · Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II · Call of Duty: Black Ops · IPhone Games · Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood · Splatterhouse · Epic Mickey · Holiday 2010
2011 - 2014
2011
Q1 Top 5 of 2010 · World of Warcraft: Cataclysm · Fable III · Minecraft · A Shadow's Tale · Dead Space 2 · DC Universe Online · MindJack · Two Worlds II · Bulletstorm · Killzone 3 · Kirby's Epic Yarn · Dragon Age II
Q2 Pokémon White · Yakuza 4 · Crysis 2 · Nintendo 3DS · Portal 2 · Castlevania: Symphony of the Night · Mortal Kombat · Brink · L.A. Noire · The Witcher 2 · Hunted: The Demon's Forge · Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time) · InFamous 2
Q3 Alice: Madness Returns · Shadows of the Damned · F.E.A.R. 3 · The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D · Call of Juarez: The Cartel · Bastion and From Dust · Catherine · Red Faction: Armageddon · Deus Ex · Deus Ex: Human Revolution · Driver: San Francisco · Dead Island · Resistance 3
Q4 Gears of War 3 · Hard Reset · Rage · Kinect · Batman: Arkham City · Battlefield 3 · Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 · The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim · Saints Row: The Third · Assassin's Creed: Revelations · The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
2012
Q1 Serious Sam 3: BFE · Top 5 of 2011 · Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins · Sonic Generations · Star Wars: The Old Republic · Amy · Resident Evil: Revelations · Darkness 2 · Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning · NeverDead · Syndicate · Mass Effect 3 · Twisted Metal
Q2 Yakuza: Dead Souls · Ninja Gaiden 3 · Silent Hill: Downpour · Kid Icarus: Uprising · Fez and I Am Alive · Prototype 2 · Risen 2: Dark Waters · Sniper Elite V2 · Diablo 3 · Max Payne 3 · Dragon's Dogma · E3 2012 · Lollipop Chainsaw
Q3 Quantum Conundrum · Spec Ops: The Line · Walking Dead · Inversion · The Amazing Spider-Man · Half-Life · Wreckateer and Deadlight · Steam Roundup · Sleeping Dogs · Darksiders 2 · DayZ · Guild Wars 2
Q4 Borderlands 2 · FIFA 13 · Resident Evil 6 · Dishonored · XCOM: Enemy Unknown · Medal of Honor: Warfighter & Doom 3: BFG Edition · Assassin's Creed 3 · Halo 4 · Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 · Hitman: Absolution · Far Cry 3 · ZombiU
2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
Q2 The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct · BioShock Infinite · Lego City Undercover · Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon · Injustice: Gods Among Us · Star Trek · Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon · System Shock 2 · Metro: Last Light · Next Gen Buyer's Guide · Fuse · Remember Me · E3 2013
Q3 The Last of Us · Deadpool · Animal Crossing: New Leaf · Ride to Hell: Retribution · Dark · Mario & Luigi: Dream Team · Rise of the Triad · Papers, Please & Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons · Pikmin 3 · The Bureau: XCOM Declassified · Saints Row 4 · Killer is Dead · Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
Q4 Grand Theft Auto V · Lost Planet 3 · Beyond: Two Souls · The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD · Batman: Arkham Origins · Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag · Call of Duty: Ghosts · Exclusives Showdown · Ryse: Son of Rome · Dead Rising 3 · Super Mario 3D World
2014
Q1 Top 5 of 2013 · Knack · Killzone: Shadow Fall · Survival Special · Broken Age · Might & Magic X: Legacy · The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds · Dark Souls · Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII · Strider · Thief · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 · Dark Souls II
Q2 Titanfall · InFamous: Second Son · Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes · The Elder Scrolls Online · South Park: The Stick of Truth · FTL: Faster Than Light · Child of Day-Light · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure · Wolfenstein: The New Order · WATCH DOGS · E3 2014 · Murdered: Soul Suspect
Q3 Tomodachi Life · Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts: The Great War · Shovel Knight · EarthBound · Transistor · E.T. · Firefall · Sacred 3 · Risen 3: Titan Lords · Daikatana · Lichdom: Battlemage · The Sims 4 · Destiny
Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
2015 - 2017
2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
Q2 Battlefield: Hardline · Bloodborne · Half-Life 2 Update · Axiom Verge & Stealth Inc 2 · Mortal Kombat X · Grand Theft Auto Online · Broken Age: Act 2 · Wolfenstein: The Old Blood · Cyberpunk Double · The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt · Splatoon · Hatred · E3 2015
Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
Q4 Super Mario Maker · SOMA · Rock Band 4 · Assassin's Creed Syndicate · Halo 5: Guardians · Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 · Rise of the Tomb Raider · Fallout 4 · Star Wars: Battlefront · Just Cause 3 · Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water
2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
Q4 Capcom Five · Clustertruck & Lichtspeer · Paper Mario: Color Splash · Mafia III · Gears of War 4 · PlayStation VR · Battlefield 1 · Titanfall 2 vs Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare · Dishonored 2 · WATCH DOGS 2 · Final Fantasy XV · The Last Guardian
2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5 · Remastered Editions · Outlast 2 · Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3 · Prey · Wilson's Heart

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.