Fandom

Zero Punctuation Wiki

Final Fantasy XV

513pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Talk0 Share

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Final Fantasy XV.

TranscriptEdit

Historically, I've approached new Final Fantasy games the way a schoolboy approaches being pushed into the girl's toilets: take enough of a look around to tell your mates about afterwards and then get the fuck out before I begin to physically transform into a girl or caring about my appearance and employing the adjective 'dreamy'. But you'll be pleased to hear that I managed to play Final Fantasy 15 for quite a bit longer than usual - till just before the estimated onset of my first period. Of course I'm joking around in my usual, cheekily abrasive sort of way. Saying Final Fantasy is for girls would be a terribly regressive statement but I can't help noticing that in Final Fantasy 15 our typically androgynously handsome young prince's quest is to marry his sweetypie in a fairytale wedding. And in order to do this, he must join a boy band and get through several months of cohabitation without sucking a single one of their dicks.

'A Final Fantasy game for fans and first timers' boasts the slightly perplexing splash screen every time you turn the game on. I'd thank to let me be the judge of that, Square Enix. I know publishers like to dictate the game reviewers a lot these days but this is cutting out one middle man too many for me. It must be said though: Anal Mantasy: 15 or Older is indeed distinct from its predecessors in that I mostly understood what the fuck was going on. It's a nice, straightforward plot for once. We are Noctis, a prince who wears Wellington boots and took his name from the instructional sign on the front door of the school for the mentally slow, off to get married to secure peace between kingdoms before a giant fruit cake-sized dump is dropped unto events where the empire invade our homeland. I wonder if these evil, constantly evolving superpower nations have ever considered a PR boost they'd get from not calling themselves the empire. I mean, the federation from Star Trek does basically the same thing, but everyone likes them 'coz they're called the federation and brush their teeth once in a while.

Anyway, the happy town snuggle club invade our homeland and Noctis must journey around the world, building his powers until he can take the fight to them alongside his three constant companions: Gladiolus, a beefy mullethead who was doing crunches when everyone else was learning how to do up shirt buttons; Ignis, the smart one who looks like Travis Touchdown's more successful cousin who'll always sarcastically ask him if he's gotten a real job yet at family get-togethers; and Prompto, a 14-year-old girl in a miniskirt who's probably only here because the other three needed something warm to park their todgers in on wintery nights.

So, as I understand it, the obligation at this point is to decide which of the four absurd hairdos on display we'd like to have brushing along our inner thighs and take to our bed with some appropriately sized scented candles. But I can't say I can place a favor because none of them have much depth or clear motivation besides Noctis and Noctis can eat shit. I can't sympathize with his struggle because he doesn't seem to have one. Everyhing's handed to him 'coz he's a prince: his magic powers, his superweapons, his fancy car and 3 paid friends - one to chauffeur, one to tuck him in at night and one to practice kissing on. People literally give him free boats and he still got the cast-iron balls to be generically broody all the time. Even his sexy bride was assigned at birth. Some of us are gonna only get results like that after a long back-breaking evening digging up fresh graves.

As is often the case with digi-downloaded AAA games, Final Fantasy 15 has strange ideas of what constitutes 'enough installed' to be playable, but at least I had the chance to really drink in the title screen for the several hours necessary for the installation to fully finish, towards the end of which I said aloud "Look. We all know you're going to cutscene-it-up for half an hour before we get going, Final Fantasy. How about you just show me that while I'm waiting?" But in yet another stark contrast to established Final Fantasy, 15 does not pay slack and incredibly poorly dressed slug; it's straight on the road to start seeing the world - the open world that is, closer to the typically Japanese model of open world games than the Western one: less focused on freedom of movement and more on finding and unlocking many wonderful flavors of inane busywork.

So don't expect to be ramping your car off baby's heads and landing upside down on the distraught mother's sandwich platter. They won't even let you drive in the wrong lane as you make your way through long stretches of very picturesque bugger-all. So if you happen to like exploring Northern California in Google Street View, then here's the game for you. I was somewhat reminded of Deadly Premonition of all things, as that too had a lot of driving through mostly empty scenery, a weird fixation on the main character's diet and rather tedious sidequests mainly based around fetching stuff because the only core gameplay mechanic besides driving about is the combat, and the combat, as Wellington once said on the eve of the Battle of Vitoria, is a bit of a pisser.

Not that I want to discourage Final Fantasy. For years I've been saying to JRPGs 'Look. Make the combat either turn-based or real-time. Every time you go somewhere in between it's like watching the mutant offspring of a clam and a racehorse attempting to drag itself into a furnace to end its misery.' And Final Fantasy 15 said 'Fine! It's real-time combat. Now, kiss my ass,' which is good. And the switching between holding attack and attack and holding dodge to dodge is straightforward enough. But it all hinges on being able to tell which section of the unfolding carnage is actually you and not, say, a brooding, androgynously handsome bramble patch. And having your 3 helpers around doesn't help the confusion any. "Why did we all dress in black today? And couldn't at least one of us have combed their hair with an actual comb and not an electrified swordfish?"

This is probably why the game gives you the ability to teleport out of the fight and survey the thrashing cloud of limbs and teeth from afar. But I'm confused as to why magic attacks do friendly fire and have a huge blast radius, and consequently why the game suggests I equip my NPC pals with this arm when I feel safer to entrust my kids to a chainsaw juggler as they picnic in the shade of Godzilla's swaying bollocks.

I definitely played 15 for longer than most modern Final Fantasys but in the end just decisively drew a line under playing any further, because the combat has shifted from fun-sized annoyance to medium, and was showing no sign of reversing that trend. But what really clinched it was a sidequest introduced some ways into the game when the girl, who had muscled her way into a vague love interest position with no input or encouragement from me whatsoever, suggested that I use a nearby plot to grow carrots, and all at once the spell broke. I realized that the game was throwing inane bullshit like carrot farming at me twenty hours in that it was probably going to be inane bullshit all the way down.

This is, of course, assuming she was being literal, and wasn't making some subtle come-on along the lines of "plant your big root vegetable all up in my window box."

AddendaEdit

  • Someday his prince will come: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw
  • Have people been seriously saying this game's sexist? That's like saying the Chippendales are sexist for only hiring men
  • Back in Australia 'root vegetable' was often taken as an instruction
Episodes
2007 - 2010
2007
Q3 The Darkness Demo · Fable: The Lost Chapters · Zero Punctuation (Episode) · Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff · Psychonauts · Console Rundown · BioShock · Tomb Raider: Anniversary · Manhunt · Peggle
Q4 Halo 3 · Tabula Rasa · The Orange Box · Super Paper Mario · Medal of Honor: Airborne · The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass · Clive Barker's Jericho · F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate · Assassin's Creed · Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock · Mass Effect
2008
Q1 Super Mario Galaxy · Silent Hill: Origins · Crysis · The Witcher · Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles · Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare · SimCity Societies · Yahtzee Goes to GDC · Uncharted: Drake's Fortune · Devil May Cry 4 · Burnout: Paradise · Turok · Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
Q2 Army of Two · No More Heroes · Condemned 2: Bloodshot · Super Smash Bros. Brawl · God of War: Chains of Olympus · Mailbag Showdown · Grand Theft Auto IV · Painkiller · The World Ends With You · The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion · Haze · Metal Gear Solid 4
Q3 Webcomics · Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures · Alone in the Dark · Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures · The E3 Trailer Park · Ninja Gaiden II · Prince of Persia Retrospective · Soulcalibur IV · Braid · EVE Online · Too Human · Spore · XBLA Double Bill
Q4 Mercenaries 2: World in Flames · Star Wars: The Force Unleashed · S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky · Silent Hill: Homecoming · Saints Row 2 · Dead Space · Fable II · Fallout 3 · Guitar Hero: World Tour · Mirror's Edge · Left 4 Dead · Sonic Unleashed · The Year in Review - 2008 · Prince of Persia
2009
Q1 Awards for 2008 · Tomb Raider: Underworld · Far Cry 2 · Gears of War 2 · LittleBigPlanet · Thief: The Dark Project · Skate 2 · F.E.A.R. 2 · Spider-Man: Web of Shadows · The House of the Dead: Overkill · 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand · Resident Evil 5
Q2 X-Blades/Halo Wars · Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars · MadWorld · Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X · Siren: Blood Curse · The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena · Valkyria Chronicles · Velvet Assassin · Duke Nukem Forever · Bionic Commando · InFamous · The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre · Prototype
Q3 The Sims 3 · Ghostbusters: The Video Game · Overlord 2 · Red Faction Guerrilla · Wii Sports Resort · Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood · The Conduit · Silent Hill 2 · 2.5-D Hoedown · Tales of Monkey Island · Wolfenstein · Batman: Arkham Asylum · Beatles Rock Band & Guitar Hero 5 · Darkest of Days
Q4 Scribblenauts · Wet · Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story · Brutal Legend · Washington D.C. · Uncharted 2: Among Thieves · Dragon Age: Origins · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 · Assassin's Creed 2 · Left 4 Dead 2 & New Super Mario Bros. Wii · Demon's Souls · Holiday 2009 · The Saboteur
2010
Q1 Awards for 2009 · Torchlight · Darksiders · Bayonetta · Dark Void · Borderlands · Mass Effect 2 · Dante's Inferno · BioShock 2 · Aliens vs Predator · Heavy Rain · Battlefield: Bad Company 2 · Final Fantasy XIII
Q2 April Fools 2010 · God of War III · Red Steel 2 · Just Cause 2 · Silent Hill: Shattered Memories · Splinter Cell: Conviction · Nier · Dead to Rights: Retribution · Monster Hunter Tri · Alan Wake · Red Dead Redemption · Alpha Protocol · Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands · E3 2010
Q3 No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle · Super Mario Galaxy 2 · Singularity · Crackdown 2 · DeathSpank & Limbo · Shadow of the Colossus · Split Second: Velocity · Transformers: War for Cybertron · Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days · Mafia II · Metroid: Other M · Video Game Voters Network · Amnesia: The Dark Descent
Q4 Halo: Reach · Dead Rising 2 · Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow · Enslaved: Odyssey to the West · Fallout: New Vegas · Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II · Call of Duty: Black Ops · IPhone Games · Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood · Splatterhouse · Epic Mickey · Holiday 2010
2011 - 2014
2011
Q1 Top 5 of 2010 · World of Warcraft: Cataclysm · Fable III · Minecraft · A Shadow's Tale · Dead Space 2 · DC Universe Online · MindJack · Two Worlds II · Bulletstorm · Killzone 3 · Kirby's Epic Yarn · Dragon Age II
Q2 Pokémon White · Yakuza 4 · Crysis 2 · Nintendo 3DS · Portal 2 · Castlevania: Symphony of the Night · Mortal Kombat · Brink · L.A. Noire · The Witcher 2 · Hunted: The Demon's Forge · Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time) · InFamous 2
Q3 Alice: Madness Returns · Shadows of the Damned · F.E.A.R. 3 · The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D · Call of Juarez: The Cartel · Bastion and From Dust · Catherine · Red Faction: Armageddon · Deus Ex · Deus Ex: Human Revolution · Driver: San Francisco · Dead Island · Resistance 3
Q4 Gears of War 3 · Hard Reset · Rage · Kinect · Batman: Arkham City · Battlefield 3 · Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 · The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim · Saints Row: The Third · Assassin's Creed: Revelations · The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
2012
Q1 Serious Sam 3: BFE · Top 5 of 2011 · Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins · Sonic Generations · Star Wars: The Old Republic · Amy · Resident Evil: Revelations · Darkness 2 · Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning · NeverDead · Syndicate · Mass Effect 3 · Twisted Metal
Q2 Yakuza: Dead Souls · Ninja Gaiden 3 · Silent Hill: Downpour · Kid Icarus: Uprising · Fez and I Am Alive · Prototype 2 · Risen 2: Dark Waters · Sniper Elite V2 · Diablo 3 · Max Payne 3 · Dragon's Dogma · E3 2012 · Lollipop Chainsaw
Q3 Quantum Conundrum · Spec Ops: The Line · Walking Dead · Inversion · The Amazing Spider-Man · Half-Life · Wreckateer and Deadlight · Steam Roundup · Sleeping Dogs · Darksiders 2 · DayZ · Guild Wars 2
Q4 Borderlands 2 · FIFA 13 · Resident Evil 6 · Dishonored · XCOM: Enemy Unknown · Medal of Honor: Warfighter & Doom 3: BFG Edition · Assassin's Creed 3 · Halo 4 · Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 · Hitman: Absolution · Far Cry 3 · ZombiU
2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
Q2 The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct · BioShock Infinite · Lego City Undercover · Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon · Injustice: Gods Among Us · Star Trek · Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon · System Shock 2 · Metro: Last Light · Next Gen Buyer's Guide · Fuse · Remember Me · E3 2013
Q3 The Last of Us · Deadpool · Animal Crossing: New Leaf · Ride to Hell: Retribution · Dark · Mario & Luigi: Dream Team · Rise of the Triad · Papers, Please & Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons · Pikmin 3 · The Bureau: XCOM Declassified · Saints Row 4 · Killer is Dead · Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
Q4 Grand Theft Auto V · Lost Planet 3 · Beyond: Two Souls · The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD · Batman: Arkham Origins · Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag · Call of Duty: Ghosts · Exclusives Showdown · Ryse: Son of Rome · Dead Rising 3 · Super Mario 3D World
2014
Q1 Top 5 of 2013 · Knack · Killzone: Shadow Fall · Survival Special · Broken Age · Might & Magic X: Legacy · The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds · Dark Souls · Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII · Strider · Thief · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 · Dark Souls II
Q2 Titanfall · InFamous: Second Son · Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes · The Elder Scrolls Online · South Park: The Stick of Truth · FTL: Faster Than Light · Child of Day-Light · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure · Wolfenstein: The New Order · WATCH DOGS · E3 2014 · Murdered: Soul Suspect
Q3 Tomodachi Life · Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts: The Great War · Shovel Knight · EarthBound · Transistor · E.T. · Firefall · Sacred 3 · Risen 3: Titan Lords · Daikatana · Lichdom: Battlemage · The Sims 4 · Destiny
Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
2015 - 2017
2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
Q2 Battlefield: Hardline · Bloodborne · Half-Life 2 Update · Axiom Verge & Stealth Inc 2 · Mortal Kombat X · Grand Theft Auto Online · Broken Age: Act 2 · Wolfenstein: The Old Blood · Cyberpunk Double · The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt · Splatoon · Hatred · E3 2015
Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
Q4 Super Mario Maker · SOMA · Rock Band 4 · Assassin's Creed Syndicate · Halo 5: Guardians · Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 · Rise of the Tomb Raider · Fallout 4 · Star Wars: Battlefront · Just Cause 3 · Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water
2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
Q4 Capcom Five · Clustertruck & Lichtspeer · Paper Mario: Color Splash · Mafia III · Gears of War 4 · PlayStation VR · Battlefield 1 · Titanfall 2 vs Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare · Dishonored 2 · WATCH DOGS 2 · Final Fantasy XV · The Last Guardian
2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.