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This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Fable 3.

Transcript[]

It's okay, publishers. WoW: Cataclysm is out now. You can come out from behind the sofa. No? All right. Well, while I try to lure them out with a saucer of milk and some hot IP, let's talk about a game from last year I never got around to, if only to stop people plobbing on about it.

The fact that Fable has a large following is like the existence of the appendix or the biological compulsion to have eighteen kids that's exclusive to rednecks - it's one of the little things about humanity I find completely incomprehensible. Okay, it's fairly unique, but then so is an asbestos-and-bacon sandwich. Okay, it's a reliable meal-ticket for every out-of-work comedic voice-actor in the United Kingdom, but Fable as a gaming property is just not very good. I suspect mainly its support comes from it being Xbox-exclusive, because fanboys will angrily defend aggressive wasps if they exclusively nested inside Xbox casings.

So, in Fable III you are the younger brother - or sister! - of the king of clearly not Victorian England, like Prince William sort of an attractive and popular alternative to the actual heir who everyone thinks is kind of shit. After waking up one morning from a hard night of fucking your dog, you go outside for presumably the first time in 20 years and notice that your brother is a murdering tyrannical despot, like a steampunk Ming the Merciless.

So off you go on an adventure to built support for a revolution, and I think I've realized what I don't like about Fable: it's essentially fascist. Heroism, rather than a quality anyone can exhibit, is reduced to some kind of inherent biological thing unique to a single genetic line of handsome white people. All the support characters who do the actual organizing of the revolution take it as read that you will be king, because you're the only one with the king genes, despite being an embarrassing, out of touch, mostly silent privileged fop who fucks his dog. (And I'm not even being disingenuous - when you pet your dog, it strongly resembles making out. Especially when you dip it and stick your tongue down its throat like you're teaching it dirty dancing.)

At first I was lukewarm about Fable III because it didn't look like much had changed since Fable II: a half-decent if slightly restrictive story campaign, the same three different forms of combat to switch between, and I've got to say I've never played a Fable game where I didn't end up spamming area-of-effect magic in every battle because enemies always swarm around you like aggressive Xbox-dwelling wasps. And as always, the game devotes large chunks of itself to side things no one asked for. It's not freedom. The Just Cause 2 hookshot or the Portal...portal gun - these mechanics offer freedom. The ability to marry random NPCs is just fannying about. It flummoxes me how Peter Molyneux persistently thinks anyone could seriously value one random NPC over the others when the extent of all their personalities is going "Booooo" when you overcharge at the shops you own or "Yaaaay" because you danced around whistling like a retard. Actually, they've grown in sophistication somewhat, in that now individuals will only become your friend if you go on a little fetch quest for them, because I remember thinking in Fable II, what this relationship bullshit really needs is even less motivation to do it.

But then, something weird happens. I thought the game would end when the evil king was overthrown, but when the revolution batters down his door he basically says, "Fine, you be king then. Oh, and by the way, an evil black primordial slime is going to come and slaughter us all one year from now. Toodle-e-oo." Then Fable III turns into Sim City meets the sword of Damocles. You're given a number of decisions to make as ruler and must choose whether to continue your brother's evil policies in order to raise the arbitrary sum of six million gold coins required to fight off the black goo after the year's up, or blow the entire treasury on making the lives of your citizens happy if short, the Logan's Run option.

"Ooh," thought I, "an unexpected twist? An actual moral dilemma? Gold star, Peter!" But no. The moral dilemma thing falls down because your decisions are still referred to as "good" and "evil," even though the "evil" option is so everyone can still be alive next Christmas. And why can't we keep the evil policies until the Shoggoth has come and gone, then reverse them all? Surely one year of hardship is better than one year of picnics followed by Armageddon. But no, not an option. Castle Albion was apparently built on a leaking gas main.

And what really gets to me is that your character never explains their decisions. "Horrors from beyond the veil of time and space are coming to eat us, so shut up" seems like a pretty good draw card for a leader to have. At one point, you can either drain a lake to mine the valuable resources within and pay for everyone to not die (that's the evil option) or you can leave it because, "It wooks pwetty!". Lady, unless the natural beauty is outstanding enough to flummox dimensional Shamblers, we're going with the option where we don't get worn as hats by cosmic monstrosities. "Good" or "evil" at this stage comes down more to "liberal" or "conservative", and conservative policies I admit can be a bit callous...when we're not about to be devoured!

There is a third option for kings with working brains: donate your own money! Now, there's two ways to make money: busking, a monumentally awful minigame, but at the highest level of which your audience toss out money like coins have been linked to bubonic plague; and renting out property. So here was my cunning plan. After busking until my lute strings had severed all my fingers, I bought the most expensive properties and jacked up all the rent. The time leading to the deadline only passes in between story missions, and rented property exists in an alternate space-time continuum that pays out every five minutes of real time. So prior to doing the final story mission, I would simply leave the game on overnight (with the TV off, lest anyone call me eco-unfriendly), then donate the subsequent mountain of gold to pay for all my nice, benevolent decisions. Tee hee, leadership's easier than I thought.

This is what I would have done if the story hadn't suddenly and unexpectedly jumped forward 150 days and gone straight to the final battle. WHAT? "If only we'd been more prepared," said one NPC. Yeah, if only the king hadn't slipped into a fucking coma for five months and his tenants had paid their fucking rent! Not that it mattered, since after defeating the evil, I got the ultra-good ending where everyone stands around congratulating my victory and my benevolence. Apparently no one wanted to be the guy to bring up the fact that three-quarters of the population were dead. And the only effect was that in the post-credits sandbox mode, the vast majority of random NPCs had simply disappeared. And you know what? I call that a 100% positive result.

Addenda[]

  • The once and future king: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw
  • I guess it's easy to tell where Peter Molyneux's political leanings lie from this game
  • It is nice to see Mark Heap still getting work


Screenshots[]

Fable III 1

The "evil" option is so everyone can still be alive next Christmas

Fable III 2

"Horrors from beyond the veil of time and space are coming to eat us, so shut up"

Fable III 3

A 100% positive result

External Links[]

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2007 - 2010
2007
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2008
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2009
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2010
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2011 - 2014
2011
Q1 Top 5 of 2010 · World of Warcraft: Cataclysm · Fable III · Minecraft · A Shadow's Tale · Dead Space 2 · DC Universe Online · MindJack · Two Worlds II · Bulletstorm · Killzone 3 · Kirby's Epic Yarn · Dragon Age II
Q2 Pokémon White · Yakuza 4 · Crysis 2 · Nintendo 3DS · Portal 2 · Castlevania: Symphony of the Night · Mortal Kombat · Brink · L.A. Noire · The Witcher 2 · Hunted: The Demon's Forge · Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time) · InFamous 2
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2012
Q1 Serious Sam 3: BFE · Top 5 of 2011 · Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins · Sonic Generations · Star Wars: The Old Republic · Amy · Resident Evil: Revelations · Darkness 2 · Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning · NeverDead · Syndicate · Mass Effect 3 · Twisted Metal
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Q3 Quantum Conundrum · Spec Ops: The Line · Walking Dead · Inversion · The Amazing Spider-Man · Half-Life · Wreckateer and Deadlight · Steam Roundup · Sleeping Dogs · Darksiders 2 · DayZ · Guild Wars 2
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2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
Q2 The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct · BioShock Infinite · Lego City Undercover · Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon · Injustice: Gods Among Us · Star Trek · Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon · System Shock 2 · Metro: Last Light · Next Gen Buyer's Guide · Fuse · Remember Me · E3 2013
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2014
Q1 Top 5 of 2013 · Knack · Killzone: Shadow Fall · Survival Special · Broken Age · Might & Magic X: Legacy · The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds · Dark Souls · Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII · Strider · Thief · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 · Dark Souls II
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Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
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2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
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Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
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2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
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2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5 · Remastered Editions · Outlast 2 · Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3 · Prey · Wilson's Heart · The Surge · Injustice 2 · Vanquish · E3 2017 · Strafe
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2018
Q1 Top 5 of 2017 · Okami HD · PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds · Fortnite and Dusk · Doki Doki Literature Club! · The Inpatient and Doom VFR · Monster Hunter World · Subnautica · Kingdom Come: Deliverance · Metal Gear Survive · Hot Coffee · Hunt Down The Freeman · Ghost of a Tale
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2019 - 2022
2019
Q1 Top 5 of 2018 · Super Smash Bros. Ultimate · Gris and Ashen · Katamari Damacy Reroll · Travis Strikes Again: No More Heroes · Resident Evil 2 · Kingdom Hearts III · Metro Exodus · Far Cry New Dawn · Anthem · Crackdown 3 · Left Alive · Devil May Cry 5
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Q4 Astral Chain · Contra: Rogue Corps · Ghost Recon Breakpoint · Indivisible · The Outer Worlds · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare · Luigi's Mansion 3 · Death Stranding · Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order · Shenmue III · 2019 Games I Haven't Reviewed Roundup · Phoenix Point & Bug Fables
2020
Q1 Top 5 of 2019 · The 2010s' Most Significant Games · Boneworks · MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries & Wattam · Journey to the Savage Planet · The Walking Dead: Saints & Sinners · Kentucky Route Zero · Zombie Army 4: Dead War · Wolcen: Lords of Mayhem · Dreams · Doom Retrospective · Black Mesa · Ori and the Will of the Wisps
Q2 Doom Eternal · Half-Life: Alyx · Resident Evil 3 · Animal Crossing: New Horizons · Final Fantasy VII Remake · XCOM: Chimera Squad · Cloudpunk & Streets of Rage 4 · World of Warcraft: The Corrupted Blood Incident · Ion Fury & Void Bastards · Maneater · Minecraft Dungeons · Shantae and the Seven Sirens · Desperados III
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Q4 Hades · Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time · Amnesia: Rebirth · Remothered: Broken Porcelain · Ghostrunner · Watch Dogs: Legion · The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope · Assassin's Creed Valhalla · Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales · Yakuza: Like a Dragon · Immortals Fenyx Rising · Cyberpunk 2077
2021
Q1 Top 5 of 2020 · Bugsnax and Super Meat Boy Forever · Medal of Honor: Above and Beyond · Demon's Souls (Remake) · Hitman 3 · The Medium · Werewolf: The Apocalypse - Earthblood · Little Nightmares II · Breathedge · Persona 5 Strikers · Harvest Moon: One World · Loop Hero and Everhood · Evil Genius 2: World Domination
Q2 Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town · Outriders · Oddworld: Soulstorm · It Takes Two · Balan Wonderworld · Resident Evil Village · Returnal · Biomutant · Subnautica: Below Zero · Miitopia · Necromunda: Hired Gun · Sniper: Ghost Warrior Contracts 2 · Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart
Q3 Scarlet Nexus · Mario Golf: Super Rush & Ender Lilies: Quietus of the Knights · Ys IX: Monstrum Nox · Cruelty Squad · Death's Door and The Forgotten City · The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles · Dreamscaper and Jupiter Hell · Twelve Minutes · No More Heroes III · Psychonauts 2 · Tormented Souls and The Artful Escape · Deathloop · Lost in Random
Q4 Kena: Bridge of Spirits · Far Cry 6 · Metroid Dread · Back 4 Blood · Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy · The Good Life · Sherlock Holmes Chapter One · Call of Duty: Vanguard · Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Definitive Edition · Resident Evil 4 VR & Oculus Quest 2 · Shin Megami Tensei V · Halo Infinite
2022
Q1 Top 5 of 2021 · 2021 Roundup of Games I Didn't Review · Praey for the Gods · Five Nights at Freddy's: Security Breach · Dying Light 2 Stay Human · Pokémon Legends: Arceus · Not For Broadcast · Elden Ring · Horizon Forbidden West · Babylon's Fall · Ghostwire: Tokyo · Tiny Tina's Wonderlands
Q2 Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin · Tunic · Weird West · 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim · Teardown · Rogue Legacy 2 · Trek to Yomi and Ravenous Devils · Salt and Sacrifice · Hardspace: Shipbreaker · Sifu · The Quarry · Neon White · Card Shark and Postal: Brain Damaged
Q3 Bob's Game · No Man's Sky in 2022 · Rainbow Billy: The Curse of the Leviathan · Stray · PowerWash Simulator and Endling · Hell Pie · Cult of the Lamb · Fashion Police Squad · Saints Row · The Mortuary Assistant · Soul Hackers 2 · Metal: Hellsinger · Splatoon 3 and Serial Cleaners
Q4 Return to Monkey Island · Prodeus · Scorn · A Plague Tale: Requiem · Gotham Knights · Mario + Rabbids Sparks of Hope · Bayonetta 3 · Sonic Frontiers · God of War Ragnarok · Marvel’s Midnight Suns · Evil West · The Callisto Protocol
2023
Q1 The Best, Worst, and Blandest of 2022 · High on Life · 2022 Roundup of Games I Didn't Review · Pentiment · Sailing Era · Forspoken · Hi-Fi Rush · Dead Space (2023) · Hogwarts Legacy · Atomic Heart · Metroid Prime Remastered · Resident Evil 4 (2023) · GDC 2023
Q2 Dredge and Tchia · The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog · Dead Island 2 · Star Wars Jedi: Survivor · Shadows of Doubt · Redfall · Darkest Dungeon II · The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom · The Lord of the Rings: Gollum · Amnesia: The Bunker · Street Fighter 6 · Diablo IV
Q3 System Shock Remake · Final Fantasy XVI · Dave the Diver · Chrono Trigger · Remnant 2 · Viewfinder & My Friendly Neighborhood · Baldur's Gate 3 · En Garde! & Blasphemous 2 · Sea of Stars · Starfield · Bomb Rush Cyberfunk · Lies of P & Chants of Sennaar · Mortal Kombat 1
Q4 El Paso, Elsewhere and ? · Armored Core VI · Assassin's Creed Mirage · Lords of the Fallen (2023) · Sonic Superstars · Alan Wake 2 · Marvel's Spider-Man 2 · RoboCop: Rogue City · The Talos Principle 2 · Persona 5 Tactica & American Arcadia · Avatar: Frontiers of Pandora
2024
Q1 The Best, Worst, and Blandest of 2023 · The Games of 2023 I Didn't Review · Beyond Good and Evil · Prince of Persia: The Lost Crown · Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth · Graven · Persona 3 Reload · Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League · Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden · Skull and Bones · Pacific Drive
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