FANDOM


This week, Zero Punctuation takes a look at the trailers offered at E3 this year.

Transcript Edit

Introduction

What would be the best word to describe this year's E3? "Routine," perhaps. Certainly seemed to follow the usual central commandment: "Thou shalt come out of it knowing about as much about the actual gameplay of the big name titles as thou would if thou had stuck thy head down a toilet."

Course, for the last couple of years there's been a secondary law: "Every new thing thou learnest about the Wii U will somehow make it seem even worse." What is this obsession with using consoles to interact with other people? I've met a lot of other people and they're all twats. The most I want them joining in on my leisure time is when they're covertly spying on me masturbating. You know what it is? Japan's birthrate is down and Nintendo must have latched onto the idea that it's all their fault for pioneering so many wonderful alternatives to sex. Your social concerns do you credit, Nintendo, but leave your conscientious fuckcouragment out of my free time.

But I don't want to harp on the Big Three this year when it's the game trailers that matter. Without games, a console is just an elaborate living room work surface, or in Nintendo's case some kind of Facebook alternative exclusively for meeting people you hate.

New Super Mario Bros. U

So while we're on the subject, let's start with New Mario Super Bros. Wii U Something: If They Brought Any More Extraneous Words Onto This Title It's Gonna Look Like Fridge Magnet Poetry. Sometimes it seems like the new Mario, Etc. franchise is being run by George Lucas and that they bloodymindedly stick to the things everyone hates for no better reason than to stick a middle finger up at the people who didn't mindlessly consume it like good little sheep.

New Super Mario Br - I'm just gonna call it "Steve" from now on, all right? - Steve's main problem was that four simultaneous players bouncing off each other made gameplay an absolute clustermolest in precision platforming environments. And Steve's new solution is to add a fifth player who uses that stupid Etch-a-Sketch thing to add platforms for his undoubtedly cooler and more popular friends who are actually playing the game. So the solution to the first game's clusterfuck issue is to add another player whose job is to throw rocks at people?

And besides, five simultaneous players? Do you think we all live in Mormon farmhouses or something? I have enough trouble convincing one friend to come over and sponge my forehead while I'm playing Guitar Hero.

Dishonored

But let's move with no particular direction to Dishonored, Bethesda's new, er, thing, which just going by the trailer seems to be proposing to be a game largely about knifing people with sideburns. That's knifing people who have got sideburns, rather; the alternative would be absurd. I make a point of exposing myself to no hype or preview besides this grudging little annual rundown of three-minute videos, and it disturbs me how little I'm left knowing about Dishonored from this little tease except that you knife a bunch of people in the throat. And what's doubly disturbing is that that alone is what's supposed to win me over:

"Hello, sir! Care to buy our game? It's first-person and it's full of knifing people in the throat, amongst a couple of other things."

"Hmm, well, as long as I can look them in the eye while I'm doing it, 'cause that's what gives me a chubby."

Still, at least there's actual gameplay on display, unlike in the Assassin's Creed 3 trailer, and incidentally, with that there's a rather disturbing theme emerging of British people being brutalized.

Tomb Raider

But surely this pattern won't be continued by the Tomb Raider trailer? Oh good, it wasn't, because if the voice actress playing the young Lara Croft in this trailer genuinely thinks that that resembles an English accent, then I will deep-fry my bathroom sink and eat it with Worcestershire sauce.

And to say she gets merely brutalized is like saying a steak dinner is a bit under the weather. Throughout this trailer, she gets impaled, beaten up, covered in filth, almost raped, and tossed about like Barbie in the spin dryer. It's like I Spit On Your Grave combined with all the scary bits from the Indiana Jones movies. I do like the little detail where she apologizes for killing a deer for food, considering that in her future life animals are going to be as safe around her as they are around myxomatosis.

Maybe she's preemptively getting her karmic backlash for that, but there's something icky about all this. Yes, the "hello, boys" chest like two friendly chinchillas, Bigfoot ball stomper Lara Croft was oversexualized, but this is still sexualization from the opposite, somehow even creepier side of the coin. At least that Tyrannosaurus in the first game never tried to feel her up.

Dead Space 3

Right, what's next? Oh, what a delightful trailer for some kind of Lost Planet sequel. What are they calling this one? Dead Space 3?! Fuck off! "Hey," says Dead Space, "remember when we were supposed to be a horror series? We hope you don't!" I don't want this to turn into "Game X looks different to Game X - 1, therefore it has changed for the worse," but my problem with this is that we're fine for action. We can stick our hand down any pipe in the house and it'll come up covered in warm, greasy action. But there's a niche in AAA gaming right now a mile wide for a new, genuinely scary horror franchise, and all we can do is strap guns and giant monsters to what few flimsy horror franchises we have left: Resident Evil, F.E.A.R., Dead Space. It's like taking gruel from African children and feeding it to Oprah Winfrey.

Hitman: Absolution

But speaking of looking different to Game X - 1, Hitman: Absolution. And to coin a phrase, what the crucified fuckchrist was that? Even if you take the gender politics out of it - like, imagine it was a bunch of burly men in sexy nun outfits - it's so all over the place that it's even more meaningless than pre-rendered trailers usually are. What boggles my mind is that bit where 47 mournfully closes the eyelids of a dead kung-fu supernun. What the hell kind of tone are we trying to set here? "This poor misguided girl," thinks Agent 47. "If only the Catholic church would end their sexy rocket launcher assassin training scheme."

Conclusion

Well, I hope you enjoyed another attempt on my part to stem this painful gushing session the industry insists upon annually. And if you have, why not consider hiring my excitement-killing services? Are your kids screaming the house down in the lead-up to Disneyland. Twenty minutes in my van and they'll be suddenly kicking the back of your seat all the way to Anaheim.

It's a shame I don't have time here to cover every game, but in general terms, do be optimistic but just exercise critical thought and don't get taken in. If there's no or very little gameplay in a trailer, ask yourself what don't they want to show you. The same bland garbage as always, no doubt.

I mean, look at Watch Dogs - that's how you do it! Ten minutes of unedited gameplay showing core mechanics to make my balls heat up and toss restlessly in their sack like kittens to be drowned. Congratulations, Watch Dogs, for winning the inaugural Zero Punctuation "Least Excruciating of E3" award. If you're gonna get pumped, get pumped for that, not because you saw an eighth of a second of Master Chief wearing a new hat.

AddendaEdit

Although that pile-up looked a wee bit scripted I thought: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw

I'm getting really fucking sick of that background rising orchestral tone thing all the trailers do these days

So presumably we have to call the Escapist Expo "E2" at some point


Extra: Escapist ExpoEdit

So me and a bunch of my Escapist chums are attending a bit of a get-together this year we're calling "the first Escapist Expo". September 14 to 16 in Durham, North Carolina, Check the website for more details. Hope to see you there! Yes, you! No, not you, the pretty one.


ScreenshotsEdit

E3 2012 1

I'm just gonna call it "Steve" from now on, all right?

E3 2012 2

It's like taking gruel from African children and feeding it to Oprah Winfrey

E3 2012 3

Boggles my mind

External LinksEdit

Episodes
2007 - 2010
2007
Q3 The Darkness Demo · Fable: The Lost Chapters · Zero Punctuation (Episode) · Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff · Psychonauts · Console Rundown · BioShock · Tomb Raider: Anniversary · Manhunt · Peggle
Q4 Halo 3 · Tabula Rasa · The Orange Box · Super Paper Mario · Medal of Honor: Airborne · The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass · Clive Barker's Jericho · F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate · Assassin's Creed · Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock · Mass Effect
2008
Q1 Super Mario Galaxy · Silent Hill: Origins · Crysis · The Witcher · Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles · Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare · SimCity Societies · Yahtzee Goes to GDC · Uncharted: Drake's Fortune · Devil May Cry 4 · Burnout: Paradise · Turok · Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
Q2 Army of Two · No More Heroes · Condemned 2: Bloodshot · Super Smash Bros. Brawl · God of War: Chains of Olympus · Mailbag Showdown · Grand Theft Auto IV · Painkiller · The World Ends With You · The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion · Haze · Metal Gear Solid 4
Q3 Webcomics · Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures · Alone in the Dark · Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures · The E3 Trailer Park · Ninja Gaiden II · Prince of Persia Retrospective · Soulcalibur IV · Braid · EVE Online · Too Human · Spore · XBLA Double Bill
Q4 Mercenaries 2: World in Flames · Star Wars: The Force Unleashed · S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky · Silent Hill: Homecoming · Saints Row 2 · Dead Space · Fable II · Fallout 3 · Guitar Hero: World Tour · Mirror's Edge · Left 4 Dead · Sonic Unleashed · The Year in Review - 2008 · Prince of Persia
2009
Q1 Awards for 2008 · Tomb Raider: Underworld · Far Cry 2 · Gears of War 2 · LittleBigPlanet · Thief: The Dark Project · Skate 2 · F.E.A.R. 2 · Spider-Man: Web of Shadows · The House of the Dead: Overkill · 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand · Resident Evil 5
Q2 X-Blades/Halo Wars · Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars · MadWorld · Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X · Siren: Blood Curse · The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena · Valkyria Chronicles · Velvet Assassin · Duke Nukem Forever · Bionic Commando · InFamous · The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre · Prototype
Q3 The Sims 3 · Ghostbusters: The Video Game · Overlord 2 · Red Faction Guerrilla · Wii Sports Resort · Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood · The Conduit · Silent Hill 2 · 2.5-D Hoedown · Tales of Monkey Island · Wolfenstein · Batman: Arkham Asylum · Beatles Rock Band & Guitar Hero 5 · Darkest of Days
Q4 Scribblenauts · Wet · Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story · Brutal Legend · Washington D.C. · Uncharted 2: Among Thieves · Dragon Age: Origins · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 · Assassin's Creed 2 · Left 4 Dead 2 & New Super Mario Bros. Wii · Demon's Souls · Holiday 2009 · The Saboteur
2010
Q1 Awards for 2009 · Torchlight · Darksiders · Bayonetta · Dark Void · Borderlands · Mass Effect 2 · Dante's Inferno · BioShock 2 · Aliens vs Predator · Heavy Rain · Battlefield: Bad Company 2 · Final Fantasy XIII
Q2 April Fools 2010 · God of War III · Red Steel 2 · Just Cause 2 · Silent Hill: Shattered Memories · Splinter Cell: Conviction · Nier · Dead to Rights: Retribution · Monster Hunter Tri · Alan Wake · Red Dead Redemption · Alpha Protocol · Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands · E3 2010
Q3 No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle · Super Mario Galaxy 2 · Singularity · Crackdown 2 · DeathSpank & Limbo · Shadow of the Colossus · Split Second: Velocity · Transformers: War for Cybertron · Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days · Mafia II · Metroid: Other M · Video Game Voters Network · Amnesia: The Dark Descent
Q4 Halo: Reach · Dead Rising 2 · Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow · Enslaved: Odyssey to the West · Fallout: New Vegas · Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II · Call of Duty: Black Ops · IPhone Games · Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood · Splatterhouse · Epic Mickey · Holiday 2010
2011 - 2014
2011
Q1 Top 5 of 2010 · World of Warcraft: Cataclysm · Fable III · Minecraft · A Shadow's Tale · Dead Space 2 · DC Universe Online · MindJack · Two Worlds II · Bulletstorm · Killzone 3 · Kirby's Epic Yarn · Dragon Age II
Q2 Pokémon White · Yakuza 4 · Crysis 2 · Nintendo 3DS · Portal 2 · Castlevania: Symphony of the Night · Mortal Kombat · Brink · L.A. Noire · The Witcher 2 · Hunted: The Demon's Forge · Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time) · InFamous 2
Q3 Alice: Madness Returns · Shadows of the Damned · F.E.A.R. 3 · The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D · Call of Juarez: The Cartel · Bastion and From Dust · Catherine · Red Faction: Armageddon · Deus Ex · Deus Ex: Human Revolution · Driver: San Francisco · Dead Island · Resistance 3
Q4 Gears of War 3 · Hard Reset · Rage · Kinect · Batman: Arkham City · Battlefield 3 · Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 · The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim · Saints Row: The Third · Assassin's Creed: Revelations · The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
2012
Q1 Serious Sam 3: BFE · Top 5 of 2011 · Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins · Sonic Generations · Star Wars: The Old Republic · Amy · Resident Evil: Revelations · Darkness 2 · Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning · NeverDead · Syndicate · Mass Effect 3 · Twisted Metal
Q2 Yakuza: Dead Souls · Ninja Gaiden 3 · Silent Hill: Downpour · Kid Icarus: Uprising · Fez and I Am Alive · Prototype 2 · Risen 2: Dark Waters · Sniper Elite V2 · Diablo 3 · Max Payne 3 · Dragon's Dogma · E3 2012 · Lollipop Chainsaw
Q3 Quantum Conundrum · Spec Ops: The Line · Walking Dead · Inversion · The Amazing Spider-Man · Half-Life · Wreckateer and Deadlight · Steam Roundup · Sleeping Dogs · Darksiders 2 · DayZ · Guild Wars 2
Q4 Borderlands 2 · FIFA 13 · Resident Evil 6 · Dishonored · XCOM: Enemy Unknown · Medal of Honor: Warfighter & Doom 3: BFG Edition · Assassin's Creed 3 · Halo 4 · Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 · Hitman: Absolution · Far Cry 3 · ZombiU
2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
Q2 The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct · BioShock Infinite · Lego City Undercover · Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon · Injustice: Gods Among Us · Star Trek · Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon · System Shock 2 · Metro: Last Light · Next Gen Buyer's Guide · Fuse · Remember Me · E3 2013
Q3 The Last of Us · Deadpool · Animal Crossing: New Leaf · Ride to Hell: Retribution · Dark · Mario & Luigi: Dream Team · Rise of the Triad · Papers, Please & Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons · Pikmin 3 · The Bureau: XCOM Declassified · Saints Row 4 · Killer is Dead · Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
Q4 Grand Theft Auto V · Lost Planet 3 · Beyond: Two Souls · The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD · Batman: Arkham Origins · Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag · Call of Duty: Ghosts · Exclusives Showdown · Ryse: Son of Rome · Dead Rising 3 · Super Mario 3D World
2014
Q1 Top 5 of 2013 · Knack · Killzone: Shadow Fall · Survival Special · Broken Age · Might & Magic X: Legacy · The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds · Dark Souls · Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII · Strider · Thief · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 · Dark Souls II
Q2 Titanfall · InFamous: Second Son · Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes · The Elder Scrolls Online · South Park: The Stick of Truth · FTL: Faster Than Light · Child of Day-Light · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure · Wolfenstein: The New Order · WATCH DOGS · E3 2014 · Murdered: Soul Suspect
Q3 Tomodachi Life · Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts: The Great War · Shovel Knight · EarthBound · Transistor · E.T. · Firefall · Sacred 3 · Risen 3: Titan Lords · Daikatana · Lichdom: Battlemage · The Sims 4 · Destiny
Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
2015 - 2017
2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
Q2 Battlefield: Hardline · Bloodborne · Half-Life 2 Update · Axiom Verge & Stealth Inc 2 · Mortal Kombat X · Grand Theft Auto Online · Broken Age: Act 2 · Wolfenstein: The Old Blood · Cyberpunk Double · The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt · Splatoon · Hatred · E3 2015
Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
Q4 Super Mario Maker · SOMA · Rock Band 4 · Assassin's Creed Syndicate · Halo 5: Guardians · Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 · Rise of the Tomb Raider · Fallout 4 · Star Wars: Battlefront · Just Cause 3 · Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water
2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
Q4 Capcom Five · Clustertruck & Lichtspeer · Paper Mario: Color Splash · Mafia III · Gears of War 4 · PlayStation VR · Battlefield 1 · Titanfall 2 vs Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare · Dishonored 2 · WATCH DOGS 2 · Final Fantasy XV · The Last Guardian
2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5 · Remastered Editions · Outlast 2 · Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3 · Prey · Wilson's Heart · The Surge · Injustice 2 · Vanquish · E3 2017

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.