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This week, Zero Punctuation dresses with underwear on the outside to review DC Universe Online.

Transcript[]

It's one of those great personality-gauging questions, isn't it: do you prefer tits or bums? Sorry, do you prefer Marvel or DC? Or alternatively, do you prefer Marvel or DC or neither because you're not fucking fourteen? Only kidding (mostly). I read comics. I was quite big into Preacher when I was younger, a serial best summarized by a single moment within it when one of the main characters wipes a retard's bum before shooting him in the face. But I'm not into ongoing comics, because to my mind, a good story is like a good bowel movement: it's only really satisfying once it's ended. Because if you just keep going, then eventually, your body runs out of shit and moves on to pushing all your internal organs out your sphincter until only a foul-smelling shell remains, and anyone who wants to get in on your incredibly long poo gets turned off because they need to have gone through all the poo up to that point to have the necessary context and this is where the analogy is breaking down somewhat. Of course, one way to give context is to make a tie-in video game, but you do have to make sure it's not a load of old piss-whiffle. On that note, DC Universe Online.

Just for fun, let's examine the premise as if we don't know who any of these characters are. A bunch of poorly dressed motherfuckers have a great big apocalyptic punch-up until only one survives, whereupon aliens invade, so said survivor travels back in time - no, they don't say how, put your arm down - and brings a warning to two rodeo clowns and a prostitute. Then he does a weird thing that bestows superpowers upon a whole bunch of random civvies, his assumption perhaps being that if the entire world consists of poorly dressed motherfuckers having a punch-up, then perhaps the aliens will just get freaked out and quietly leave.

So you must decide whether to be one of the new superheroes or supervillains, because World of Warcraft had a dual-faction system, therefore everyone else has to. Not that it's a bad idea. People are less likely to grief each other when they have a clearly-defined enemy ripe for the teabagging. But in WoW, the Horde and Alliance are different races and are immediately visually separable, whereas here every player is a spandex and belt buckle fashion disaster area until one of them opens fire.

So the obvious question when you're proposing a new MMORPG is, "Are you fucking insane!? WoW picks bigger rivals than you out of its teeth every morning!" But once your investor's been talked off the ledge and you've made him understand that it's a superhero MMORPG and totally different, his next obvious question would be, "Is it better than City of Heroes?" In this race, Detective Comics Universe Online trips at the first hurdle and knocks out a tooth on a hardened cowpat.

Character building is nowhere near as extensive. You've got three choices for body size: "normal" - that is, normal for comics - that is, a body you can only get from either a few months with a personal trainer or a few hours with a scalpel and a bicycle pump; "large," a build that, by rights, shouldn't even be able to hail a cab without powderizing its arm bones; or "12-year-old," in case you want to play as one of them kid sidekicks whose fighter training is always implied to include rigorous bumhole exercise.

From there, you decide where your powers come from, which I would have thought would be the same for every superhero: the willing suspension of disbelief! In less broad terms: magic, gadgets, or good breeding, a choice that caused me to raise a question of my own: what's the bat-buggering difference? From a gameplay perspective, I mean. I don't want to pick what I think is a tank setup for my absurdly giant man with shoulder-blades like manhole covers and wind up skipping around at the back of the party sprinkling healing fairy dust with my magic pixie wand.

So to be safe, I set up two diametrically-opposed characters. One magical fire-based hero who fights with hand blasts (which is like punching but where you miss) and one gadgety gadget-based villain with a staff (as in I picked gadget-based powers, then in the specialization menu, I picked "Gadgets" again. No one can call me a non-committed gadget tourist). The weird thing is, you can pick magic-based powers that specialize in gadgets, or gadget-based powers that specialize in sorcery. Is this one of those things that only makes sense after you've read issue 471 of The Adventures of Captain Indecisive? Anyway, I played both starting missions and tried to figure out what kind of classes I'd randomly picked. In both cases, the answer was, "the kind of class where you mash the attack button like a lab rat with a food dispenser."

So I commenced the work-a-day activities of Direct Current Universe Online, ergo, smacking dudes. Either just in the name of smacking the dudes or gathering 20 of the things the dudes drop. Also, you can use the dude's corpse in some way. And as a reward for all this, then eventually you get to go in an instance, fight some more dudes, then a big dude at the end. I know this is par for the course, but maybe it wouldn't feel so bloody repetitive if the entire game world had more than two environments: a city and another city. And maybe it wouldn't be so bloody irritating if the game didn't auto-target whoever you happen to be looking at, so if you glance idly around while attacking - and you will, because it's fucking boring - then whoops, suddenly two more dudes have entered the fray. And maybe it wouldn't be so bloody execrable if every dude didn't have about two dialogue lines each that they spout with the gusto of a first-year drama student every fucking nanosecond.

I thought there has to be more to this game, so I signed up for one of the co-op arenas and thirteen minutes later, was brought to an instance with three other guys and the instruction: "Now there are four of you, so I guess you won't have any trouble meeting a one-hundred dude smacking quota!" To be honest, I was bored of District of Columbia Universe long before then. My interest valve was first shut off right after the starting mission when I arrived at Metropolis, flew to the highest point I could and thought to myself, "Yep, that's a city all right. Can I stop playing now?" Certain other MMOs that I'm resolved to stop banging on about don't let you fly until level sixty, because environments lose a lot of weight when you can fly over them from the start. The actions of petty crims are hard to find significant when you can kill them by dropping pennies on their heads.

But what I most dislike about Dreary Codswallop Universe Online is that it's less about creating a superhero than it is aping the ones that DC already made up. One of the powers I could unlock as a gadgety-gadget villain was fear gas - that's Scarecrow's thing! I want to forge my own identity, damn it! There's even a simulation mode where you have to play as an existing character to provide temporary escape from your loser existence. None of the iconic characters are trying to sell themselves, they just sort of stand there for you to admire and occasionally talk like professional wrestlers at stage school.

So it's probably intended for fans only. But then again, surely fans are the ones who'd want their own identities so they could introduce their self-insert fanfiction character who arm-wrestles Batman and gets into a threesome with Wonder Woman and another Wonder Woman?

Addenda[]

  • Having a mid-life Infinite Crisis: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw
  • I'd like to see a comic where we get to see Superman having to file his projected flight paths with Metropolis air traffic control
  • Or for that matter Bruce Wayne explaining things to his accountant

Screenshots[]

DC Universe 1

A bunch of poorly dressed motherfuckers have a great big apocalyptic punch-up until only one survives

DC Universe 2

Perhaps the aliens will just get freaked out and quietly leave

DC Universe 3

Environments lose a lot of weight when you can fly over them

External Links[]

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2011
Q1 Top 5 of 2010 · World of Warcraft: Cataclysm · Fable III · Minecraft · A Shadow's Tale · Dead Space 2 · DC Universe Online · MindJack · Two Worlds II · Bulletstorm · Killzone 3 · Kirby's Epic Yarn · Dragon Age II
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2012
Q1 Serious Sam 3: BFE · Top 5 of 2011 · Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins · Sonic Generations · Star Wars: The Old Republic · Amy · Resident Evil: Revelations · Darkness 2 · Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning · NeverDead · Syndicate · Mass Effect 3 · Twisted Metal
Q2 Yakuza: Dead Souls · Ninja Gaiden 3 · Silent Hill: Downpour · Kid Icarus: Uprising · Fez and I Am Alive · Prototype 2 · Risen 2: Dark Waters · Sniper Elite V2 · Diablo 3 · Max Payne 3 · Dragon's Dogma · E3 2012 · Lollipop Chainsaw
Q3 Quantum Conundrum · Spec Ops: The Line · Walking Dead · Inversion · The Amazing Spider-Man · Half-Life · Wreckateer and Deadlight · Steam Roundup · Sleeping Dogs · Darksiders 2 · DayZ · Guild Wars 2
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2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
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2014
Q1 Top 5 of 2013 · Knack · Killzone: Shadow Fall · Survival Special · Broken Age · Might & Magic X: Legacy · The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds · Dark Souls · Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII · Strider · Thief · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 · Dark Souls II
Q2 Titanfall · InFamous: Second Son · Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes · The Elder Scrolls Online · South Park: The Stick of Truth · FTL: Faster Than Light · Child of Day-Light · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure · Wolfenstein: The New Order · WATCH DOGS · E3 2014 · Murdered: Soul Suspect
Q3 Tomodachi Life · Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts: The Great War · Shovel Knight · EarthBound · Transistor · E.T. · Firefall · Sacred 3 · Risen 3: Titan Lords · Daikatana · Lichdom: Battlemage · The Sims 4 · Destiny
Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
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2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
Q2 Battlefield: Hardline · Bloodborne · Half-Life 2 Update · Axiom Verge & Stealth Inc 2 · Mortal Kombat X · Grand Theft Auto Online · Broken Age: Act 2 · Wolfenstein: The Old Blood · Cyberpunk Double · The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt · Splatoon · Hatred · E3 2015
Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
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2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
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2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5 · Remastered Editions · Outlast 2 · Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3 · Prey · Wilson's Heart · The Surge · Injustice 2 · Vanquish · E3 2017 · Strafe
Q3 Get Even · Hollow Knight / Dead Cells · Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy · Fifth Console Generation · The End is Nigh, and Yonder: Cloud Catcher Chronicles · Pyre · Splatoon 2 · Hellblade · Agents of Mayhem · Sonic Mania · Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle · Destiny 2 · Metroid: Samus Returns
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2018
Q1 Top 5 of 2017 · Okami HD · PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds · Fortnite and Dusk · Doki Doki Literature Club! · The Inpatient and Doom VFR · Monster Hunter World · Subnautica · Kingdom Come: Deliverance · Metal Gear Survive · Hot Coffee · Hunt Down The Freeman · Ghost of a Tale
Q2 A Way Out · Far Cry 5 · Ni no Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom · Extinction and Attack on Titan 2 · God of War 4 · Yakuza 6: The Song of Life · Silent Hill 4: The Room · Conan Exiles · House Flipper and FAR: Lone Sails · Detroit Become Human · Agony · E3 2018 · Vampyr
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Q4 Dragon Quest XI · Star Control: Origins · Assassin's Creed Odyssey · Call of Duty: Black Ops 4 · Return of the Obra Dinn · The Missing: J.J. Macfield and the Island of Memories · Red Dead Redemption 2 · Call of Cthulhu · Fallout 76 · Hitman 2 and Killer7 · Darksiders III · Just Cause 4
2019 - 2022
2019
Q1 Top 5 of 2018 · Super Smash Bros. Ultimate · Gris and Ashen · Katamari Damacy Reroll · Travis Strikes Again: No More Heroes · Resident Evil 2 · Kingdom Hearts III · Metro Exodus · Far Cry New Dawn · Anthem · Crackdown 3 · Left Alive · Devil May Cry 5
Q2 The Division 2 · Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice · Unheard and Outward · Yoshi's Crafted World · Mortal Kombat 11 · Katana Zero · Days Gone · Close to the Sun · Rage 2 · Observation · A Plague Tale: Innocence · E3 2019 · Blood: Fresh Supply
Q3 Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night · Judgment · The Sinking City · My Friend Pedro and Sea of Solitude · Acclaim Entertainment Hall of Shame · Wolfenstein: Youngblood · Horace · Rebel Galaxy Outlaw · Control · The Dark Pictures Anthology: Man of Medan · Remnant: From The Ashes · Blair Witch · Gears 5
Q4 Astral Chain · Contra: Rogue Corps · Ghost Recon Breakpoint · Indivisible · The Outer Worlds · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare · Luigi's Mansion 3 · Death Stranding · Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order · Shenmue III · 2019 Games I Haven't Reviewed Roundup · Phoenix Point & Bug Fables
2020
Q1 Top 5 of 2019 · The 2010s' Most Significant Games · Boneworks · MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries & Wattam · Journey to the Savage Planet · The Walking Dead: Saints & Sinners · Kentucky Route Zero · Zombie Army 4: Dead War · Wolcen: Lords of Mayhem · Dreams · Doom Retrospective · Black Mesa · Ori and the Will of the Wisps
Q2 Doom Eternal · Half-Life: Alyx · Resident Evil 3 · Animal Crossing: New Horizons · Final Fantasy VII Remake · XCOM: Chimera Squad · Cloudpunk & Streets of Rage 4 · World of Warcraft: The Corrupted Blood Incident · Ion Fury & Void Bastards · Maneater · Minecraft Dungeons · Shantae and the Seven Sirens · Desperados III
Q3 The Last of Us Part II · Persona 4 Golden · Stadia · Deadly Premonition 2: A Blessing in Disguise · Paper Mario: The Origami King · Ghost of Tsushima · Carrion & Beyond a Steel Sky · Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout · Mortal Shell · Spiritfarer · No Straight Roads & Battletoads · Marvel's Avengers · BPM: Bullets Per Minute · Serious Sam 4
Q4 Hades · Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time · Amnesia: Rebirth · Remothered: Broken Porcelain · Ghostrunner · Watch Dogs: Legion · The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope · Assassin's Creed Valhalla · Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales · Yakuza: Like a Dragon · Immortals Fenyx Rising · Cyberpunk 2077
2021
Q1 Top 5 of 2020 · Bugsnax and Super Meat Boy Forever · Medal of Honor: Above and Beyond · Demon's Souls (Remake) · Hitman 3 · The Medium · Werewolf: The Apocalypse - Earthblood · Little Nightmares II · Breathedge · Persona 5 Strikers · Harvest Moon: One World · Loop Hero and Everhood · Evil Genius 2: World Domination
Q2 Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town · Outriders · Oddworld: Soulstorm · It Takes Two · Balan Wonderworld · Resident Evil Village · Returnal · Biomutant · Subnautica: Below Zero · Miitopia · Necromunda: Hired Gun · Sniper: Ghost Warrior Contracts 2 · Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart
Q3 Scarlet Nexus · Mario Golf: Super Rush & Ender Lilies: Quietus of the Knights · Ys IX: Monstrum Nox · Cruelty Squad · Death's Door and The Forgotten City · The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles · Dreamscaper and Jupiter Hell · Twelve Minutes · No More Heroes III · Psychonauts 2 · Tormented Souls and The Artful Escape · Deathloop · Lost in Random
Q4 Kena: Bridge of Spirits · Far Cry 6 · Metroid Dread · Back 4 Blood · Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy · The Good Life · Sherlock Holmes Chapter One · Call of Duty: Vanguard · Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Definitive Edition · Resident Evil 4 VR & Oculus Quest 2 · Shin Megami Tensei V · Halo Infinite
2022
Q1 Top 5 of 2021 · 2021 Roundup of Games I Didn't Review · Praey for the Gods · Five Nights at Freddy's: Security Breach · Dying Light 2 Stay Human · Pokémon Legends: Arceus · Not For Broadcast · Elden Ring · Horizon Forbidden West · Babylon's Fall · Ghostwire: Tokyo · Tiny Tina's Wonderlands
Q2 Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin · Tunic · Weird West · 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim · Teardown · Rogue Legacy 2 · Trek to Yomi and Ravenous Devils · Salt and Sacrifice · Hardspace: Shipbreaker · Sifu · The Quarry · Neon White · Card Shark and Postal: Brain Damaged
Q3 Bob's Game · No Man's Sky in 2022 · Rainbow Billy: The Curse of the Leviathan · Stray · PowerWash Simulator and Endling · Hell Pie · Cult of the Lamb · Fashion Police Squad · Saints Row · The Mortuary Assistant · Soul Hackers 2 · Metal: Hellsinger · Splatoon 3 and Serial Cleaners
Q4 Return to Monkey Island · Prodeus · Scorn · A Plague Tale: Requiem · Gotham Knights · Mario + Rabbids Sparks of Hope · Bayonetta 3 · Sonic Frontiers · God of War Ragnarok · Marvel’s Midnight Suns · Evil West · The Callisto Protocol
2023
Q1 The Best, Worst, and Blandest of 2022 · High on Life · 2022 Roundup of Games I Didn't Review · Pentiment · Sailing Era · Forspoken · Hi-Fi Rush · Dead Space (2023) · Hogwarts Legacy · Atomic Heart · Metroid Prime Remastered · Resident Evil 4 (2023) · GDC 2023
Q2 Dredge and Tchia · The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog · Dead Island 2 · Star Wars Jedi: Survivor · Shadows of Doubt · Redfall · Darkest Dungeon II · The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom · The Lord of the Rings: Gollum · Amnesia: The Bunker · Street Fighter 6 · Diablo IV
Q3 System Shock Remake · Final Fantasy XVI · Dave the Diver · Chrono Trigger · Remnant 2 · Viewfinder & My Friendly Neighborhood · Baldur's Gate 3 · En Garde! & Blasphemous 2 · Sea of Stars · Starfield · Bomb Rush Cyberfunk · Lies of P & Chants of Sennaar · Mortal Kombat 1
Q4 El Paso, Elsewhere and ? · Armored Core VI · Assassin's Creed Mirage · Lords of the Fallen (2023) · Sonic Superstars · Alan Wake 2 · Marvel's Spider-Man 2 · RoboCop: Rogue City · The Talos Principle 2 · Persona 5 Tactica & American Arcadia · Avatar: Frontiers of Pandora
2024
Q1 The Best, Worst, and Blandest of 2023 · The Games of 2023 I Didn't Review · Beyond Good and Evil · Prince of Persia: The Lost Crown · Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth · Graven · Persona 3 Reload · Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League · Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden · Skull and Bones · Pacific Drive
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