Fandom

Zero Punctuation Wiki

Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood

518pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Talk0 Share

This week, Zero Punctuation reaches 100[1] videos and reviews Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood.

Transcript Edit

Well, diddle my dog. Who would have thought when I first put two little white dots on a black spiky thing that it and I would today be celebrating our 100th video![1]

*Party whistle blowing*

So to mark this occasion, I will be reviewing a game very close to my heart, Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood. Well, alright, this was the game I had lined up to review anyway, but what the fuck do you want from me? It’s just a number. 101 is also a number, as is 99. And 99 at least looks a bit like someone getting bum-fucked. But Call of Juarez is still sort of special because I genuinely do feel like I have a spiritual bond with the Wild West. I wear an old-fashioned hat, I once ate a horse, and I never wash.

Bound in Blood is a prequel to the first Call of Juarez (and no, for some reason I cannot pronounce “HWA-rez” any other way) and follows the adventures of three brothers: Ray, Thomas and Wee-um, who lose their mama and homestead and decide to dedicate their lives to ticking off everything on the Western story checklist: outlaws, sheriffs, noble Injuns, evil backstabbing Mexicans, gunfights, showdowns, chairs being smashed over people’s heads, and a spicy undercurrent of homoeroticism. And in true Western tradition, your level of badassness is dictated by the size of your hat. Ray and Thomas both wear big hats and therefore eat danger and shit bullets. Wee-um doesn’t get a hat, so the best he can hope for is to eat Weetabix and shit healthily. Together they search for a cursed Aztec treasure and fight over the affections of a redoubtable Mexican lady with that uncanny spaghetti-western love-interest talent for almost getting raped by everyone she meets. Seriously, leave this bint alone in a waiting room for an hour and she’ll find a way to get raped by the chair.

The game is based mainly around shooting and is viewed from the first person perspective, and someone should really come up with a name for that. At the start of each mission, you choose which of the two effectual brothers you want to play as, and the AI will control the other. As Thomas, you can shoot more accurately, throw lassos, and climb ledges. And as Ray, you can open the pause menu, restart the mission, and choose Thomas instead, you fucking idiot! Ray takes less damage, but health regenerates anyway so it hardly matters. And he can dual-wield pistols, which means having twice as many weapons you have to stop and reload every 15 nanoseconds.

It probably wouldn’t surprise you to learn that a shooter with two central playable characters has a co-op mode, which it why it is surprising that it doesn’t. Okay, there are a few missions where the brothers are separated, but even so, the opportunity was standing on a piano with its trousers down and they couldn’t have missed it harder. They could even have had three-way co-op: let the third guy play as Wee-um. Press “X” to hide, press “Triangle” to quote bible, right trigger to poo pants.

The trouble I often have with Western games is that historical accuracy demands that the guns all be absolute shite. And indeed running and gunning with most of the tools Call of Juarez hands out will leave you with so many bullets stuck in your face that you’ll look like a renegade cenobite. The emphasis is instead on cover-based accurate shooting, yet another reason to never use Ray. And thankfully you take cover just by moving up to it, rather than the Gears of War method of pressing a button that Velcros your spine to the wall. It feels kind of like a rail-shooter with the tracks torn up, if that makes any sense. You spend most of the combat hiding in a box, popping out to shoot at heads as they peer quizzically over cover like wooden ducks. But enemies are so crap and your health regenerates so fast that the veteran fans of shooters will probably find the combat a bit unchallenging - if they can avoid drooling into the controller long enough to formulate an opinion.

But then comes the showdown mini-game, which is thrown into the chapters where they didn’t feel like putting in a proper boss-fight, which is every chapter. You have to side-step around the enemy, keeping your hand next to your holster with the analog stick. Then when the bell rings, the first one to draw and fire a magical regeneration-canceling insta-kill bullet wins. It’s alright at first, but towards the end the baddies can draw so fast I could only win by counting the seconds til the bell rang and starting to draw an instant beforehand. You have to do this with every major bad guy in the story. So, what, we’ve been shooting at each other all week, killing so many of each others' friends that our mutual Christmas card lists now fit on post-it notes, and now you want a fair fight? Why do I have to go along with this? Why can’t I just press a button marked “Fuck Off” that makes my idiot brother sneak up behind them and smash a chair over their head?

There’s nothing wrong with a game being linear, but Bound in Blood doesn’t agree. It does everything it can to disguise its linear nature. The levels are huge and sprawling and actually look really pretty. If it were a character, it would probably get raped at some point. There are even a couple of mini-sandbox levels, were you can either do some optional missions or go straight on to the next bit of story. But there’s no way to come back, and after two of them the game just shrugs its shoulders and tosses the whole concept. For the most part, the action follows a strictly linear path, generally indicated by your ‘tard AI brother standing on the next objective and yelling at you. Progress is made by staying close to your NPC allies for long enough for them to remember what they're supposed to be doing. But the levels are big and demand exploration, and at one point I had to restart a mission in the mountains because deviating from the trail to play with some dead Indians apparently upset Ray’s path-finding. So he sat at the start of the level sulking and waiting for me to apologize.

This may surprise you but - *party whistle blowing*. . .sorry - Call of Juarez is actually a good game. I’ve had a lot of stuff to complain about, but there’s a lot to like too. The shooting ultimately works and the story and setting is surprisingly well-realized. I know for a fact there's at least one guy at RockStar who’ll be disappointed because he was hoping I’d totally bag it out and clear the way for their upcoming Red Dead Redemption thing. But hey, if that’s good too, maybe we can have another of those cross-dressing art competitions. And if not, second place isn’t so bad. It’s just a number after all. Like, say, for example, 100. *Party whistle blowing quietly*

AddendaEdit

We don't like his type around these parts: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw

So where were all those protective indian spirits when the smallpox blankets were being handed around, eh

Oo-ee-oo-ee-oo waa-waa-waa

BonusEdit

(The Zero Punctuation full theme song plays with scenes from his previous 99 videos as well as one from this one, in order. When the theme concludes, it cuts briefly to a shot of Yahtzee's boxers from the LittleBigPlanet review, with a grainy filter and a high-pitched, high-volume screech.)

Notes Edit

  1. 1.0 1.1 The count in the episode is different from the count of this wiki because the three pre-Escapist episodes and the 2008 clip show are not counted by Yahtzee.

ScreenshotsEdit

Call of Juarez 1

Celebrating our 100th video

Call of Juarez 2

It does everything it can to disguise its linear nature

Call of Juarez 3

The levels are huge and sprawling and actually look really pretty

External LinksEdit

Episodes
2007 - 2010
2007
Q3 The Darkness Demo · Fable: The Lost Chapters · Zero Punctuation (Episode) · Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff · Psychonauts · Console Rundown · BioShock · Tomb Raider: Anniversary · Manhunt · Peggle
Q4 Halo 3 · Tabula Rasa · The Orange Box · Super Paper Mario · Medal of Honor: Airborne · The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass · Clive Barker's Jericho · F.E.A.R. Perseus Mandate · Assassin's Creed · Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock · Mass Effect
2008
Q1 Super Mario Galaxy · Silent Hill: Origins · Crysis · The Witcher · Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles · Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare · SimCity Societies · Yahtzee Goes to GDC · Uncharted: Drake's Fortune · Devil May Cry 4 · Burnout: Paradise · Turok · Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
Q2 Army of Two · No More Heroes · Condemned 2: Bloodshot · Super Smash Bros. Brawl · God of War: Chains of Olympus · Mailbag Showdown · Grand Theft Auto IV · Painkiller · The World Ends With You · The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion · Haze · Metal Gear Solid 4
Q3 Webcomics · Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures · Alone in the Dark · Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures · The E3 Trailer Park · Ninja Gaiden II · Prince of Persia Retrospective · Soulcalibur IV · Braid · EVE Online · Too Human · Spore · XBLA Double Bill
Q4 Mercenaries 2: World in Flames · Star Wars: The Force Unleashed · S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky · Silent Hill: Homecoming · Saints Row 2 · Dead Space · Fable II · Fallout 3 · Guitar Hero: World Tour · Mirror's Edge · Left 4 Dead · Sonic Unleashed · The Year in Review - 2008 · Prince of Persia
2009
Q1 Awards for 2008 · Tomb Raider: Underworld · Far Cry 2 · Gears of War 2 · LittleBigPlanet · Thief: The Dark Project · Skate 2 · F.E.A.R. 2 · Spider-Man: Web of Shadows · The House of the Dead: Overkill · 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand · Resident Evil 5
Q2 X-Blades/Halo Wars · Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars · MadWorld · Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X · Siren: Blood Curse · The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena · Valkyria Chronicles · Velvet Assassin · Duke Nukem Forever · Bionic Commando · InFamous · The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre · Prototype
Q3 The Sims 3 · Ghostbusters: The Video Game · Overlord 2 · Red Faction Guerrilla · Wii Sports Resort · Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood · The Conduit · Silent Hill 2 · 2.5-D Hoedown · Tales of Monkey Island · Wolfenstein · Batman: Arkham Asylum · Beatles Rock Band & Guitar Hero 5 · Darkest of Days
Q4 Scribblenauts · Wet · Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story · Brutal Legend · Washington D.C. · Uncharted 2: Among Thieves · Dragon Age: Origins · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 · Assassin's Creed 2 · Left 4 Dead 2 & New Super Mario Bros. Wii · Demon's Souls · Holiday 2009 · The Saboteur
2010
Q1 Awards for 2009 · Torchlight · Darksiders · Bayonetta · Dark Void · Borderlands · Mass Effect 2 · Dante's Inferno · BioShock 2 · Aliens vs Predator · Heavy Rain · Battlefield: Bad Company 2 · Final Fantasy XIII
Q2 April Fools 2010 · God of War III · Red Steel 2 · Just Cause 2 · Silent Hill: Shattered Memories · Splinter Cell: Conviction · Nier · Dead to Rights: Retribution · Monster Hunter Tri · Alan Wake · Red Dead Redemption · Alpha Protocol · Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands · E3 2010
Q3 No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle · Super Mario Galaxy 2 · Singularity · Crackdown 2 · DeathSpank & Limbo · Shadow of the Colossus · Split Second: Velocity · Transformers: War for Cybertron · Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days · Mafia II · Metroid: Other M · Video Game Voters Network · Amnesia: The Dark Descent
Q4 Halo: Reach · Dead Rising 2 · Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow · Enslaved: Odyssey to the West · Fallout: New Vegas · Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II · Call of Duty: Black Ops · IPhone Games · Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood · Splatterhouse · Epic Mickey · Holiday 2010
2011 - 2014
2011
Q1 Top 5 of 2010 · World of Warcraft: Cataclysm · Fable III · Minecraft · A Shadow's Tale · Dead Space 2 · DC Universe Online · MindJack · Two Worlds II · Bulletstorm · Killzone 3 · Kirby's Epic Yarn · Dragon Age II
Q2 Pokémon White · Yakuza 4 · Crysis 2 · Nintendo 3DS · Portal 2 · Castlevania: Symphony of the Night · Mortal Kombat · Brink · L.A. Noire · The Witcher 2 · Hunted: The Demon's Forge · Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time) · InFamous 2
Q3 Alice: Madness Returns · Shadows of the Damned · F.E.A.R. 3 · The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D · Call of Juarez: The Cartel · Bastion and From Dust · Catherine · Red Faction: Armageddon · Deus Ex · Deus Ex: Human Revolution · Driver: San Francisco · Dead Island · Resistance 3
Q4 Gears of War 3 · Hard Reset · Rage · Kinect · Batman: Arkham City · Battlefield 3 · Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 · The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim · Saints Row: The Third · Assassin's Creed: Revelations · The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
2012
Q1 Serious Sam 3: BFE · Top 5 of 2011 · Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins · Sonic Generations · Star Wars: The Old Republic · Amy · Resident Evil: Revelations · Darkness 2 · Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning · NeverDead · Syndicate · Mass Effect 3 · Twisted Metal
Q2 Yakuza: Dead Souls · Ninja Gaiden 3 · Silent Hill: Downpour · Kid Icarus: Uprising · Fez and I Am Alive · Prototype 2 · Risen 2: Dark Waters · Sniper Elite V2 · Diablo 3 · Max Payne 3 · Dragon's Dogma · E3 2012 · Lollipop Chainsaw
Q3 Quantum Conundrum · Spec Ops: The Line · Walking Dead · Inversion · The Amazing Spider-Man · Half-Life · Wreckateer and Deadlight · Steam Roundup · Sleeping Dogs · Darksiders 2 · DayZ · Guild Wars 2
Q4 Borderlands 2 · FIFA 13 · Resident Evil 6 · Dishonored · XCOM: Enemy Unknown · Medal of Honor: Warfighter & Doom 3: BFG Edition · Assassin's Creed 3 · Halo 4 · Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 · Hitman: Absolution · Far Cry 3 · ZombiU
2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
Q2 The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct · BioShock Infinite · Lego City Undercover · Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon · Injustice: Gods Among Us · Star Trek · Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon · System Shock 2 · Metro: Last Light · Next Gen Buyer's Guide · Fuse · Remember Me · E3 2013
Q3 The Last of Us · Deadpool · Animal Crossing: New Leaf · Ride to Hell: Retribution · Dark · Mario & Luigi: Dream Team · Rise of the Triad · Papers, Please & Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons · Pikmin 3 · The Bureau: XCOM Declassified · Saints Row 4 · Killer is Dead · Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
Q4 Grand Theft Auto V · Lost Planet 3 · Beyond: Two Souls · The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD · Batman: Arkham Origins · Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag · Call of Duty: Ghosts · Exclusives Showdown · Ryse: Son of Rome · Dead Rising 3 · Super Mario 3D World
2014
Q1 Top 5 of 2013 · Knack · Killzone: Shadow Fall · Survival Special · Broken Age · Might & Magic X: Legacy · The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds · Dark Souls · Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII · Strider · Thief · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 · Dark Souls II
Q2 Titanfall · InFamous: Second Son · Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes · The Elder Scrolls Online · South Park: The Stick of Truth · FTL: Faster Than Light · Child of Day-Light · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure · Wolfenstein: The New Order · WATCH DOGS · E3 2014 · Murdered: Soul Suspect
Q3 Tomodachi Life · Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts: The Great War · Shovel Knight · EarthBound · Transistor · E.T. · Firefall · Sacred 3 · Risen 3: Titan Lords · Daikatana · Lichdom: Battlemage · The Sims 4 · Destiny
Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
2015 - 2017
2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
Q2 Battlefield: Hardline · Bloodborne · Half-Life 2 Update · Axiom Verge & Stealth Inc 2 · Mortal Kombat X · Grand Theft Auto Online · Broken Age: Act 2 · Wolfenstein: The Old Blood · Cyberpunk Double · The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt · Splatoon · Hatred · E3 2015
Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
Q4 Super Mario Maker · SOMA · Rock Band 4 · Assassin's Creed Syndicate · Halo 5: Guardians · Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 · Rise of the Tomb Raider · Fallout 4 · Star Wars: Battlefront · Just Cause 3 · Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water
2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
Q4 Capcom Five · Clustertruck & Lichtspeer · Paper Mario: Color Splash · Mafia III · Gears of War 4 · PlayStation VR · Battlefield 1 · Titanfall 2 vs Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare · Dishonored 2 · WATCH DOGS 2 · Final Fantasy XV · The Last Guardian
2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5 · Remastered Editions · Outlast 2 · Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3 · Prey · Wilson's Heart

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.