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This week, breaks down Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 and Battlefield 3.

TranscriptEdit

With the release of Battlefield 3 and Modern Warfare 3, Shooter Season 2011 is gearing up for a shuddering, sticky-fingered climax right into our eye sockets, and as the two giants of modern war gaming stand head to head, Battlefield armed with a realistic, faithfully-depicted sniper rifle and Modern Warfare with a neon space bazooka that fires venomous hedgehogs, only one question remains unanswered: Why haven't I reviewed Skyrim yet? Alright, two questions: Of these two mindless celebrations of state-sponsored violence designed for paranoid shitheads who sit stroking guns while unblinkingly watching subtitled foreign movies, which is the least horrible?

Rather than dryly breaking down Modern Warfare 3 on its own this week, I thought I'd do something I haven't done in a while and go over the two opponents InFamous-vs-Prototype style, although hopefully this one won't end with a hardened military veteran lingerie fashion parade. I mean, if it comes down to a tiebreaker again, it would need to be something more humiliating than being the protagonists in these games in the first place!


Plot!

Modern Warfare 3 starts off with the advantage for being a continuation of the ongoing Modern Warfare plot and then it fumbles the advantage and serves directly into the umpire's flask of tea. Once again the action switches back and forth between the US military fighting off the sinister Russians and Captain Price et al in pursuit of some bastard who was apparently responsible. I love how that always works, don't you? Remember when they killed Osama bin Laden and now there's no terrorism anywhere in the world ever? Occasionally you also play as other characters who always have the life expectency of a rat in a homeless man's mouth, but more on that later. For me, Modern Warfare 3's plot makes its signature turn right around the bend when Russia invades Europe. As in, all of it. Simultaneously. Now I've never invaded Europe except for that one time, but I would think that's a project you might want to stagger out a bit if you haven't forged an alliance with any galactic empires lately!

But I'm still giving this one to Modern Warfare, because whatever the strong points of Battlefield's plot, it was mostly ripped off from Call of Duty games so Modern Warfare basically gets the prize either way.


Action!

It should be a given at this point that if you don't like endlessly pointing and clicking at armored brown blokes who are differentiated from the other armored brown blokes you're not supposed to shoot in ways that won't become clear until the third or forth glance or first round of bullets, then maybe you should go back to your pony-riding simulators, you little girl. But there were many points in both games when I'd be in the middle of a warzone, unable to see the baddies through the dust and smoke while my NPC allies all stole my kills and I'd reflect that shooters seemed to have lost their way.

Both games seem to mix it up with vehicle sections though. Battlefield 3 lets you ride a tank and a plane but spends the entire time flashing up big arrows telling you when and where to press what buttons, but on the other hand, it is at least possible to fail if your head has recently caved in. In Modern Warfare 3's vehicle sections, you're usually just dropping conflagration on ground targets from high above like you're God armed with a giant magnifying glass.

So I have to give this one to Battlefield for at least remembering that games need to in some way challenge as well as satisfy your psychotic armchair genocide fantasies.


Realism!

Let me just say that if realism is a make or break factor for you in a game about shooting enough foreigners to be classified as a medium-sized natural disaster, then you're exactly the kind of gamer that the rest of us disassociate ourselves from when the mainstream media finds out about you. For what it's worth, Battlefield 3 is more realistic. You die much easier under fire and sniper bullets even have drop-off. Wow, drop-off? I love that because it reminds me of my flaccid impotent cock. And even the terrorist group with three nukes and a seemingly bottomless supply of reinforcements is more realistic than the Russian army somehow having the man-power to simultaneously invade every capital city in Europe within days of pulling out of a full-scale invasion of the United States. Presumably while waiting for the order, large groups of Russian soldiers were all camped outside each European city disguised as trees.

So Battlefield 3 gets the point even though Modern Warfare 3 is more fun because even if all your arms and legs have been shot off, you can still flop your way behind cover and suck on some nourishing gravel until it all grows back.


Racism!

The ongoing plot of Modern Warfare involves the Russians basically being tricked into war by that bastard Makarov making them think the Americans shot up that airport in Modern Warfare 2, and I assume they set all that up so as to avoid painting Russians as inherently evil but it must be said that the Russian populace really don't seem to have needed much persuading and their soldiers gun down unarmed civilians like free candy comes out of their earholes.

The driving plot point of Modern Warfare 3 is tracking down the Russian president who was kidnapped on his way to working out a piece treaty with the West. Now if the Russian government was commited enough to peace that he was already on the plane puckering up for some imperialist bottom kissing, who the hell gave the order to invade Europe? Cause when the president finally does get into that meeting with the Western powers, there are going to be some fucking awkward items on the agenda. Full-scale chemical weapon attacks on civilians, that's a hard thing to blame on a few bad apples. I think the problem might lie with the orchard, mister President. You might stop watering it with liquidized children.

So yeah, a point for Modern Warfare again because I could never quite tell what Battlefield 3's main villain's accent was supposed to be.


The Shocking Moment!

After nukes in Mwar 1 and fun with massacres in Mwar 2, we've come to expect a shocking moment in Modern Warfare games although since we are expecting it, it would be more shocking if there wasn't one. But sadly no six-year-olds were around to explain this to the developers and the shocking moment is hollow, token and manipulative: A child dies. Whoop de fucking do. Children die all the time especially if you tie them to the rear bumper of a car, it's not even difficult.

Meanwhile, Battlefield 3 nukes Paris. They don't dwell on it and it never comes up again. They could at least have a bloke fly past the camera with a baguette stuck through his head.


Multiplayer?

Puh-huh-huh-huh, as if!


Conclusion

So after all that, who's the winner? No-one! Nobody is the winner. The loser is the entire games industry and human society in general when the people who like these games grow up, become president and call the Secretary of Defense a faggot for not wanting to nuke Switzerland.

But maybe it's not too late to save us if we start making games about nicer wars, like the Anglo-Zanzibar war of 1896 that lasted thirty-eight minutes. You'd barely have time to shoot one British sailor before declaring peace and spending the rest of the afternoon beating them at cricket.

AddendaEdit

Just loves killing (time, that is): Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw

Oh I see they turned the M upside down so it looked like 'WW3' or World War 3 that's pretty clever I guess

Skyrim is next week alright it's the busy period

ScreenshotsEdit

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 1

Remember when they killed Osama bin Laden and now there's no terrorism anywhere in the world ever?

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 2

Now I've never invaded Europe except for that one time...

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 3

So after all that, who's the winner? No-one!

External linksEdit

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2007 - 2010
2007
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2008
Q1 Super Mario Galaxy · Silent Hill: Origins · Crysis · The Witcher · Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles · Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare · SimCity Societies · Yahtzee Goes to GDC · Uncharted: Drake's Fortune · Devil May Cry 4 · Burnout: Paradise · Turok · Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
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2009
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2011 - 2014
2011
Q1 Top 5 of 2010 · World of Warcraft: Cataclysm · Fable III · Minecraft · A Shadow's Tale · Dead Space 2 · DC Universe Online · MindJack · Two Worlds II · Bulletstorm · Killzone 3 · Kirby's Epic Yarn · Dragon Age II
Q2 Pokémon White · Yakuza 4 · Crysis 2 · Nintendo 3DS · Portal 2 · Castlevania: Symphony of the Night · Mortal Kombat · Brink · L.A. Noire · The Witcher 2 · Hunted: The Demon's Forge · Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time) · InFamous 2
Q3 Alice: Madness Returns · Shadows of the Damned · F.E.A.R. 3 · The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D · Call of Juarez: The Cartel · Bastion and From Dust · Catherine · Red Faction: Armageddon · Deus Ex · Deus Ex: Human Revolution · Driver: San Francisco · Dead Island · Resistance 3
Q4 Gears of War 3 · Hard Reset · Rage · Kinect · Batman: Arkham City · Battlefield 3 · Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 · The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim · Saints Row: The Third · Assassin's Creed: Revelations · The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
2012
Q1 Serious Sam 3: BFE · Top 5 of 2011 · Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins · Sonic Generations · Star Wars: The Old Republic · Amy · Resident Evil: Revelations · Darkness 2 · Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning · NeverDead · Syndicate · Mass Effect 3 · Twisted Metal
Q2 Yakuza: Dead Souls · Ninja Gaiden 3 · Silent Hill: Downpour · Kid Icarus: Uprising · Fez and I Am Alive · Prototype 2 · Risen 2: Dark Waters · Sniper Elite V2 · Diablo 3 · Max Payne 3 · Dragon's Dogma · E3 2012 · Lollipop Chainsaw
Q3 Quantum Conundrum · Spec Ops: The Line · Walking Dead · Inversion · The Amazing Spider-Man · Half-Life · Wreckateer and Deadlight · Steam Roundup · Sleeping Dogs · Darksiders 2 · DayZ · Guild Wars 2
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2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
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2014
Q1 Top 5 of 2013 · Knack · Killzone: Shadow Fall · Survival Special · Broken Age · Might & Magic X: Legacy · The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds · Dark Souls · Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII · Strider · Thief · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 · Dark Souls II
Q2 Titanfall · InFamous: Second Son · Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes · The Elder Scrolls Online · South Park: The Stick of Truth · FTL: Faster Than Light · Child of Day-Light · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure · Wolfenstein: The New Order · WATCH DOGS · E3 2014 · Murdered: Soul Suspect
Q3 Tomodachi Life · Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts: The Great War · Shovel Knight · EarthBound · Transistor · E.T. · Firefall · Sacred 3 · Risen 3: Titan Lords · Daikatana · Lichdom: Battlemage · The Sims 4 · Destiny
Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
2015 - 2017
2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
Q2 Battlefield: Hardline · Bloodborne · Half-Life 2 Update · Axiom Verge & Stealth Inc 2 · Mortal Kombat X · Grand Theft Auto Online · Broken Age: Act 2 · Wolfenstein: The Old Blood · Cyberpunk Double · The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt · Splatoon · Hatred · E3 2015
Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
Q4 Super Mario Maker · SOMA · Rock Band 4 · Assassin's Creed Syndicate · Halo 5: Guardians · Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 · Rise of the Tomb Raider · Fallout 4 · Star Wars: Battlefront · Just Cause 3 · Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water
2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
Q4 Capcom Five · Clustertruck & Lichtspeer · Paper Mario: Color Splash · Mafia III · Gears of War 4 · PlayStation VR · Battlefield 1 · Titanfall 2 vs Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare · Dishonored 2 · WATCH DOGS 2 · Final Fantasy XV · The Last Guardian
2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5 · Remastered Editions · Outlast 2 · Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3 · Prey · Wilson's Heart · The Surge · Injustice 2 · Vanquish · E3 2017 · Strafe
Q3 Get Even · Hollow Knight / Dead Cells · Fifth Console Generation · The End is Nigh, and Yonder: Cloud Catcher Chronicles · Pyre · Splatoon 2 · Hellblade · Agents of Mayhem · Sonic Mania · Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle · Destiny 2 · Metroid: Samus Returns
Q4 Knack 2 and SteamWorld Dig 2 · Cuphead · Hob and A Hat in Time · Middle-earth: Shadow of War · The Evil Within 2 · Super Mario Odyssey · Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus · Assassin's Creed Origins · Sonic Forces · Star Wars Battlefront II

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