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This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Alpha Protocol.

Transcript[]

There have been many RPGs that let you define your character's personality to a certain extent. Say you're given a quest to get a schoolgirl's cat down from a tree. On average, you'll be given three options: Neutral, where you get the cat down and accept the schoolgirl's allowance as payment; Good, where you waive the fee and fondly tousle the schoolgirl's hair as she scampers off; and Asshole, where you set fire to the tree and jump up and down on the schoolgirl's face. And speaking as an asshole, this offends me. There are so many wonderful ways to be a complete ponce that these games rarely cater for. Why can't I rescue the cat but hold it to ransom for her dad's porn collection? Or get the cat down by throwing rocks at it so it breaks all its legs on the concrete and then still expect to be paid, with the infuriatingly infallible logic of a complete tosser? Why can't there be an RPG that covers the entire dickhead spectrum? Well, good news, ponce fans: now there is!

Alpha Protocol follows Mike Thorton, a member of a covert U.S. government agency with strong ties to a private military company that might as well rename itself, "Kitten Stranglers PLC". He gets betrayed, goes rogue, has to work alone to build a case against them, blahdee-blahdee-blah. But what's important is that however you play him Mike Thorton is the ponciest ponce that ever ponced past a poncing parlour.

The dialogue system lets you switch between three attitudes: a professional, by the book sort of ponce who wouldn't emote if the Angel Gabriel blow off in his face; an aggressive ponce who sounds like he's five seconds away from snarlingly flipping the global crisis onto its front and pounding away at its netherhole with a Franchi SPAS-12; and the suave ponce, who might as well just save time and Mace himself every time he opens his fucking mouth. Best of all, even if he only ever talked about his favorite breakfast cereal, he'd still sound like a wanker, because the voice actor delivers every line in the level, smug tones of a highbrow film critic archly dismissing the latest superhero blockbuster as he spoons himself another helping of baby seal.

Let's get the good over with quickly. For once, this is a game that claims that "every action has consequences" and actually means a consequence more significant than a character maybe wearing a different hat. For example, although the hub-based mission system lets you do the operations in any order, during the one I chose to do last, an informant mentioned the previous operations I'd completed in conversation. "Fuck", I said, "this game's just showing off now." So I immediately became an aggressive ponce and slammed his head into a desk. After which, there was more security in my next mission because the informant went crying to his big brother or something.

The RPG action stuff reminded me of Deus Ex - in a good way. It's nice to see a game where your character has to work on their gun skills and can't expect to draw their pistol and immediately hit the On button on a tumble dryer from nine hundred yards. And I was also impressed by the lockpicking and hacking minigames, which nicely balance skill and incremental difficulty, and I can't think of a joke for that sentence, so here's a picture of a dog in a hat.

The thing about Deus Ex, though, was that you could arguably specialize completely in combat or stealth or hacking or playing the cello and still beat the game. Even the final encounter had equal parts monsters, security systems and incomplete string quartets to allow any approach. Alpha Protocol, on the other hand, is happy to let you sink all your points into learning to waltz, only to find yourself stuck in an unavoidable freestyle disco competition. I was a stealth/close combat specialist, and there was a particularly obnoxious boss fight that I couldn't sneak out of and whose CQC attacks wrecked my shit. I had to inexpertly spray at him with an assault rifle I knew as much about as I did a fucking nuclear reactor, then whenever he got his knives out let him chase me around the room like Benny fucking Hill. The skills you can upgrade are stealth, hand-to-hand combat, and then four kinds of guns, which I feel makes little sense. Why the fuck would anyone specialise in shotguns when a shotgun is a situational weapon? What are you gonna do if there's an enemy more than ten feet away, throw your shoes at him?

The dialogue system gives you about one second to pick a conversational attitude that is summed up in one word, and it's often hard to decipher. You might be talking to a sexy lady, for e.g., when suddenly an option comes up reading, say, "Trousers". And there's no way of knowing if this means the poncemaster general will change the conversation to the subject of trousers, or draw attention to a specific pair of trousers sneaking up behind them, or whatever. So you select it out of panic, whereupon El Ponco promptly pulls his trousers down and slaps his bum while mooing like a lost calf, spoiling your reputation with the character somewhat. Dialogue seems a bit buggy at times, too, which I guess is inevitable with conversation trees as labyrinthine as this. There was a moment when I was gabbing away with another sexy lady when the option came up to initiate a quick knobbing, which went down reasonably well. Then afterward, she started repeating dialogue lines she'd been spouting beforehand. "Wow", I thought, "I literally fucked her brain out!"

There are a couple of other bugs here and there, like how the distinction between a wall you can take cover on and the ones with ponce-repellent wallpaper is known only to Mr. Thorton. But none of them got in the way too much, because after a while my stealth skill was so high I could literally turn invisible and run around insta-killing every possible threat with my bare hands. And nothing could pose a challenge after that, short of the invention of some kind of ponce-seeking missile.

All in all, Alpha Protocol is weak and poorly-balanced, like a three-legged dog with an eating disorder. But I want to come back to the story for a bit. You know that extremely brief summary I gave about five paragraphs ago? That's literally the extent of the plot I understood. The rest was an incomprehensible miasma of factions, motivations and betrayals, through which I was just dumbly acting with zero understanding. Towards the end, a line of dialogue got drowned out just before a boss encounter, and I honestly didn't know if I was supposed to be killing or protecting the guy. Maybe this would be helped with repeat playthroughs. Oh, Sega, you crafty bitches. But what I do know is that the overarching story is about a PMC that is secretly evil, a plot that I think has only been used about fifty or sixty times. What has the games industry got against PMCs? Is it the "murder for profit" thing? Oh, like you're perfect, games industry. At least war profiteers never put back the Australian release of Mario Galaxy 2 to early July!

Addenda[]

The microfilm is in his pants: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw

Glasses, flat cap and full beard? Are we doing covert operations in Yorkshire, now?

Remember the three JB's: James Bond, Jack Bauer and John Barrowman

Screenshots[]

Alpha Protocol 1

Asshole, where you set fire to the tree

Alpha Protocol 2

Spoiling your reputation with the character somewhat

Alpha Protocol 3

Nothing could pose a challenge after that

External Links[]

Episodes
2007 - 2010
2007
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2008
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2009
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2010
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2011
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Q2 Pokémon White · Yakuza 4 · Crysis 2 · Nintendo 3DS · Portal 2 · Castlevania: Symphony of the Night · Mortal Kombat · Brink · L.A. Noire · The Witcher 2 · Hunted: The Demon's Forge · Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time) · InFamous 2
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2012
Q1 Serious Sam 3: BFE · Top 5 of 2011 · Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins · Sonic Generations · Star Wars: The Old Republic · Amy · Resident Evil: Revelations · Darkness 2 · Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning · NeverDead · Syndicate · Mass Effect 3 · Twisted Metal
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2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
Q2 The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct · BioShock Infinite · Lego City Undercover · Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon · Injustice: Gods Among Us · Star Trek · Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon · System Shock 2 · Metro: Last Light · Next Gen Buyer's Guide · Fuse · Remember Me · E3 2013
Q3 The Last of Us · Deadpool · Animal Crossing: New Leaf · Ride to Hell: Retribution · Dark · Mario & Luigi: Dream Team · Rise of the Triad · Papers, Please & Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons · Pikmin 3 · The Bureau: XCOM Declassified · Saints Row 4 · Killer is Dead · Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
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2014
Q1 Top 5 of 2013 · Knack · Killzone: Shadow Fall · Survival Special · Broken Age · Might & Magic X: Legacy · The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds · Dark Souls · Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII · Strider · Thief · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 · Dark Souls II
Q2 Titanfall · InFamous: Second Son · Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes · The Elder Scrolls Online · South Park: The Stick of Truth · FTL: Faster Than Light · Child of Day-Light · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure · Wolfenstein: The New Order · WATCH DOGS · E3 2014 · Murdered: Soul Suspect
Q3 Tomodachi Life · Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts: The Great War · Shovel Knight · EarthBound · Transistor · E.T. · Firefall · Sacred 3 · Risen 3: Titan Lords · Daikatana · Lichdom: Battlemage · The Sims 4 · Destiny
Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
2015 - 2018
2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
Q2 Battlefield: Hardline · Bloodborne · Half-Life 2 Update · Axiom Verge & Stealth Inc 2 · Mortal Kombat X · Grand Theft Auto Online · Broken Age: Act 2 · Wolfenstein: The Old Blood · Cyberpunk Double · The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt · Splatoon · Hatred · E3 2015
Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
Q4 Super Mario Maker · SOMA · Rock Band 4 · Assassin's Creed Syndicate · Halo 5: Guardians · Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 · Rise of the Tomb Raider · Fallout 4 · Star Wars: Battlefront · Just Cause 3 · Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water
2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
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2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5 · Remastered Editions · Outlast 2 · Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3 · Prey · Wilson's Heart · The Surge · Injustice 2 · Vanquish · E3 2017 · Strafe
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2018
Q1 Top 5 of 2017 · Okami HD · PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds · Fortnite and Dusk · Doki Doki Literature Club! · The Inpatient and Doom VFR · Monster Hunter World · Subnautica · Kingdom Come: Deliverance · Metal Gear Survive · Hot Coffee · Hunt Down The Freeman · Ghost of a Tale
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2019 - 2022
2019
Q1 Top 5 of 2018 · Super Smash Bros. Ultimate · Gris and Ashen · Katamari Damacy Reroll · Travis Strikes Again: No More Heroes · Resident Evil 2 · Kingdom Hearts III · Metro Exodus · Far Cry New Dawn · Anthem · Crackdown 3 · Left Alive · Devil May Cry 5
Q2 The Division 2 · Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice · Unheard and Outward · Yoshi's Crafted World · Mortal Kombat 11 · Katana Zero · Days Gone · Close to the Sun · Rage 2 · Observation · A Plague Tale: Innocence · E3 2019 · Blood: Fresh Supply
Q3 Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night · Judgment · The Sinking City · My Friend Pedro and Sea of Solitude · Acclaim Entertainment Hall of Shame · Wolfenstein: Youngblood · Horace · Rebel Galaxy Outlaw · Control · The Dark Pictures Anthology: Man of Medan · Remnant: From The Ashes · Blair Witch · Gears 5
Q4 Astral Chain · Contra: Rogue Corps · Ghost Recon Breakpoint · Indivisible · The Outer Worlds · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare · Luigi's Mansion 3 · Death Stranding · Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order · Shenmue III · 2019 Games I Haven't Reviewed Roundup · Phoenix Point & Bug Fables
2020
Q1 Top 5 of 2019 · The 2010s' Most Significant Games · Boneworks · MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries & Wattam · Journey to the Savage Planet · The Walking Dead: Saints & Sinners · Kentucky Route Zero · Zombie Army 4: Dead War · Wolcen: Lords of Mayhem · Dreams · Doom Retrospective · Black Mesa · Ori and the Will of the Wisps
Q2 Doom Eternal · Half-Life: Alyx · Resident Evil 3 · Animal Crossing: New Horizons · Final Fantasy VII Remake · XCOM: Chimera Squad · Cloudpunk & Streets of Rage 4 · World of Warcraft: The Corrupted Blood Incident · Ion Fury & Void Bastards · Maneater · Minecraft Dungeons · Shantae and the Seven Sirens · Desperados III
Q3 The Last of Us Part II · Persona 4 Golden · Stadia · Deadly Premonition 2: A Blessing in Disguise · Paper Mario: The Origami King · Ghost of Tsushima · Carrion & Beyond a Steel Sky · Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout · Mortal Shell · Spiritfarer · No Straight Roads & Battletoads · Marvel's Avengers · BPM: Bullets Per Minute · Serious Sam 4
Q4 Hades · Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time · Amnesia: Rebirth · Remothered: Broken Porcelain · Ghostrunner · Watch Dogs: Legion · The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope · Assassin's Creed Valhalla · Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales · Yakuza: Like a Dragon · Immortals Fenyx Rising · Cyberpunk 2077
2021
Q1 Top 5 of 2020 · Bugsnax and Super Meat Boy Forever · Medal of Honor: Above and Beyond · Demon's Souls (Remake) · Hitman 3 · The Medium · Werewolf: The Apocalypse - Earthblood · Little Nightmares II · Breathedge · Persona 5 Strikers · Harvest Moon: One World · Loop Hero and Everhood · Evil Genius 2: World Domination
Q2 Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town · Outriders · Oddworld: Soulstorm · It Takes Two · Balan Wonderworld · Resident Evil Village · Returnal · Biomutant · Subnautica: Below Zero · Miitopia · Necromunda: Hired Gun · Sniper: Ghost Warrior Contracts 2 · Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart
Q3 Scarlet Nexus · Mario Golf: Super Rush & Ender Lilies: Quietus of the Knights · Ys IX: Monstrum Nox · Cruelty Squad · Death's Door and The Forgotten City · The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles · Dreamscaper and Jupiter Hell · Twelve Minutes · No More Heroes III · Psychonauts 2 · Tormented Souls and The Artful Escape · Deathloop · Lost in Random
Q4 Kena: Bridge of Spirits · Far Cry 6 · Metroid Dread · Back 4 Blood · Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy · The Good Life · Sherlock Holmes Chapter One · Call of Duty: Vanguard · Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Definitive Edition · Resident Evil 4 VR & Oculus Quest 2 · Shin Megami Tensei V · Halo Infinite
2022
Q1 Top 5 of 2021 · 2021 Roundup of Games I Didn't Review · Praey for the Gods · Five Nights at Freddy's: Security Breach · Dying Light 2 Stay Human · Pokémon Legends: Arceus · Not For Broadcast · Elden Ring · Horizon Forbidden West · Babylon's Fall · Ghostwire: Tokyo · Tiny Tina's Wonderlands
Q2 Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin · Tunic · Weird West · 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim · Teardown · Rogue Legacy 2 · Trek to Yomi and Ravenous Devils · Salt and Sacrifice · Hardspace: Shipbreaker · Sifu · The Quarry · Neon White · Card Shark and Postal: Brain Damaged
Q3 Bob's Game · No Man's Sky in 2022 · Rainbow Billy: The Curse of the Leviathan · Stray · PowerWash Simulator and Endling · Hell Pie · Cult of the Lamb · Fashion Police Squad · Saints Row · The Mortuary Assistant · Soul Hackers 2 · Metal: Hellsinger · Splatoon 3 and Serial Cleaners
Q4 Return to Monkey Island · Prodeus · Scorn · A Plague Tale: Requiem · Gotham Knights · Mario + Rabbids Sparks of Hope · Bayonetta 3 · Sonic Frontiers · God of War Ragnarok · Marvel’s Midnight Suns · Evil West · The Callisto Protocol
2023
Q1 The Best, Worst, and Blandest of 2022 · High on Life · 2022 Roundup of Games I Didn't Review · Pentiment · Sailing Era · Forspoken · Hi-Fi Rush · Dead Space (2023) · Hogwarts Legacy · Atomic Heart · Metroid Prime Remastered · Resident Evil 4 (2023) · GDC 2023
Q2 Dredge and Tchia · The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog · Dead Island 2 · Star Wars Jedi: Survivor · Shadows of Doubt · Redfall · Darkest Dungeon II · The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom · The Lord of the Rings: Gollum · Amnesia: The Bunker · Street Fighter 6 · Diablo IV
Q3 System Shock Remake · Final Fantasy XVI · Dave the Diver · Chrono Trigger · Remnant 2 · Viewfinder & My Friendly Neighborhood · Baldur's Gate 3 · En Garde! & Blasphemous 2 · Sea of Stars · Starfield · Bomb Rush Cyberfunk · Lies of P & Chants of Sennaar · Mortal Kombat 1
Q4 El Paso, Elsewhere and ? · Armored Core VI · Assassin's Creed Mirage · Lords of the Fallen (2023) · Sonic Superstars · Alan Wake 2 · Marvel's Spider-Man 2 · RoboCop: Rogue City · The Talos Principle 2 · Persona 5 Tactica & American Arcadia · Avatar: Frontiers of Pandora
2024
Q1 The Best, Worst, and Blandest of 2023 · The Games of 2023 I Didn't Review · Beyond Good and Evil · Prince of Persia: The Lost Crown · Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth · Graven · Persona 3 Reload · Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League · Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden · Skull and Bones · Pacific Drive
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